{"id":21539,"date":"2020-12-03T18:12:47","date_gmt":"2020-12-03T23:12:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/?p=21539"},"modified":"2020-12-03T18:13:09","modified_gmt":"2020-12-03T23:13:09","slug":"our-pastor-is-not-very-friendly-what-to-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/our-pastor-is-not-very-friendly-what-to-do\/","title":{"rendered":"Our pastor is not very friendly. What to do?"},"content":{"rendered":"

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.\u00a0 –Proverbs 18:24<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

When someone told me she belonged to the First Baptist Church in a certain city, I said, “I know your pastor very well.\u00a0 Great guy.”<\/p>\n

That’s what started it.<\/p>\n

“Great guy?\u00a0 I guess so.\u00a0 Yes, I’m sure he is,” said the new friend.\u00a0 “However…”<\/p>\n

I did not like the way this was going.\u00a0 This pastor is pure gold, I was certain, and surely there were no glaring negatives.<\/p>\n

“However, he’s not very friendly.”<\/p>\n

I said, “What do you mean?\u00a0 I always thought he was.”<\/p>\n

“I’m sure he is to you and other preachers.\u00a0 But he is reluctant to walk up to someone and greet them, never seems to know anyone’s name, and will sometimes pass you on the street without speaking.”<\/p>\n

Oh my.\u00a0 Not good.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

She did not ask for me to do anything, so I didn’t.\u00a0 We left the matter there.<\/p>\n

I\u00a0 can sympathize with the friend about her pastor.\u00a0 This is not how things should be.\u00a0 A pastor of all people should be warm and friendly, particularly when on his own home turf, the church!\u00a0 The question then becomes “Why isn’t he?” and then “What to do about it?”<\/p>\n

Why isn’t the pastor friendly?\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

–He’s shy.\u00a0 That’s his personality.\u00a0 Always was, is now.<\/p>\n

–He’s an introvert.\u00a0 Which is probably the same thing as shy.\u00a0 Not outgoing, somewhat withdrawn.<\/p>\n

–Terms like “shy” and “introvert” leave the impression that “he’s just that way” in the same way he is five feet ten inches and has black hair, that nothing is to be done about it.<\/p>\n

I think that’s wrong.\u00a0 Bad wrong.<\/p>\n

A little online research on the roots of shyness suggests some reasons for it:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Low self-esteem<\/li>\n
  2. Self-preoccupation<\/li>\n
  3. Fear of rejection<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Show me a pastor afflicted with any one of those and I’ll show you someone who needs to get over himself.\u00a0 Spiritual maturity should take care of that.\u00a0 Anyone growing in Christ will manifest what Scripture calls “the fruit of the Spirit”–love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control.\u00a0 The combination of that will make a person like Jesus and surely will compensate for any tendency to low-self-esteem, self-preoccupation, and fear of rejection.<\/p>\n

    What to do about it?\u00a0 That is, what should a member do when they realize the pastor’s lack of friendliness is undermining his ministry’s effectiveness?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

    –In some cases, a gentle word to the pastor is sufficient.\u00a0 But that depends on the pastor, on the one speaking to him, and a lot of other things.\u00a0 Normally, I would not advise this.<\/p>\n

    –The danger in bringing this to his attention is that he may be wounded, may see it as a deal-breaker for his ministry (“correct this or you’re out of a job”), and may over-react.\u00a0 You don’t want that.\u00a0 You would prefer he go forward as he is now than to become even more self-conscious and to become defensive or reactive.<\/p>\n

    –I’m going to suggest something that would ordinarily seem strange.\u00a0 In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever recommended this to anyone.\u00a0 \u00a0But here goes…<\/p>\n

    Send him this article anonymously.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

    Let me tell you a story….<\/p>\n

    Some years ago I attended a meeting of the neighbors in a subdivision where we had moved.\u00a0 I knew very few of the people.\u00a0 There must have been fifty in the room. And one lady was upset.<\/p>\n

    It turned out that her house sat on the corner where my street intersected with the main street.\u00a0 People pulled up to the stop sign, looked both ways, and went forward.\u00a0 However, a huge plant on the corner of her lot blocked their view.\u00a0 And someone had called the law enforcement people.\u00a0 She had no idea who had done the deed.<\/p>\n

    “A deputy came to my house and ordered me to cut that plant down,” she cried.\u00a0 “I was never so humiliated in my life.\u00a0 Imagine–the police ordering me to do that, like I was a common criminal or something.”\u00a0 She wiped the tears and continued.<\/p>\n

    “Had you called me on the phone, I would have done it.\u00a0 You didn’t have to report me to the sheriff’s office.\u00a0 That was so unneighborly!”<\/p>\n

    I had no idea who had called the authorities, but I knew why they had.<\/p>\n

    Suppose I had called that lady to tell her the plant was blocking my view, that it made the intersection dangerous, and suggested she cut it down.\u00a0 She would have argued with me and probably gotten mad.\u00a0 Even if she had removed the plant, our relationship would have been permanently fractured as a result.<\/p>\n

    Better that her anger be diffused over the entire neighborhood than lasered on one person!<\/p>\n

    And so with the pastor.\u00a0 Better that he not know who sent him the article, only that someone cared enough to make a helpful suggestion.\u00a0 After all, Scripture says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6).<\/p>\n

    To the pastor I would say:\u00a0 \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. We all have an innate shyness, if the truth were known.<\/li>\n
    2. No one is suggesting you become anyone other than who you are.<\/li>\n
    3. Everyone can overcome the feelings of shyness that cause us to neglect to speak to people.<\/li>\n
    4. It’s simply a matter of thinking of them and not of yourself.\u00a0 And that is a conscious decision you make in advance.<\/li>\n
    5. At first, you will have to work at it and make yourself do this.\u00a0 Practice it a few times.\u00a0 Then, before long, it will become second nature to you.<\/li>\n
    6. I used to have a stuttering problem that was so severe I could not answer the phone.\u00a0 In church visitation, I would walk up to the house and not be able to get a word out.\u00a0 Talk about embarrassing!<\/li>\n
    7. It all went away when I made a conscious effort to think of others and not of myself.\u00a0 “I want to bless this person.”<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      God bless you.\u00a0 Thank you for your faithful service to our Father.\u00a0 Hebrews 6:10 has your name all over it.<\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n

       <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.\u00a0 –Proverbs 18:24 When someone told me she belonged to the First Baptist Church in a certain city, I said, “I … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,28],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21539","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fruit-of-the-spirit","category-spiritual-maturity"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21539","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21539"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21539\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":21543,"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21539\/revisions\/21543"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21539"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21539"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joemckeever.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21539"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}