Angus Lind retired the other day from writing a humor column for the Times-Picayune. Here is some good stuff from one of his ancient columns which fell from a file I was clearing out.

These are supposed to have been actual questions asked in court by lawyers. No way to verify whether that’s true or not, but they’re so funny….

The lawyer looks at the witness and says, “So, you were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

“You say the stairs went down into the basement?” (Yes.) “And these stairs, do they go up also?”

“Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?” (No, this is how I dress when I go to work.)

“How was your first marriage terminated?” (By death.) “And by whose death was it terminated?”

“Can you describe the individual?” (He was about medium height and had a beard.) “And was this a male or female?”

“Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?” (All my autopsies are performed on dead people.)

“All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?” (Oral.)

“Do you recall the time you examined the body?” (The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.) “And Mr. Dennington was dead at that time?” (No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.)

“You were shot in the fracas?” (No. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.)

And my favorite…

“So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?” (No.) “How can you be so sure, doctor?” (Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.) “But could the patient have been alive nonetheless?” (It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.)

Angus Lind says up in Alaska they have a lot of bachelors, but the women aren’t always impressed with them. Some have written this line: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

He says one fellow in Alaska keeps his file cabinet outside in the yard. Asked why, he said, “I keep ice cream in there during the winter.”

Enjoy your retirement, Mr. Lind. We’ll miss you.