I started this article on Monday, February 2, 2015, but never finished it. Today, Friday, October 2, 2015, I found it and decided to finish it. 

We had my wife’s funeral today.  She would have loved almost everything about it.

And may have, for all I know.

We have no idea what the “dead in Christ” know about what goes on here.

I’ve been home from the funeral 4 hours and had a nap, and am ready to live again, I suppose.  (Note:  Blogging is a form of therapy for me, clearly.)

As painful as the last week has been, truly the worst 7 days of my life, there were so many things to give thanks for.  This is how Margaret would have chosen to die–suddenly, and evidently painlessly.  I’m thinking she actually died there in the nail salon where she had gone for a pedicure. The workers there said she sat on the chair, coughed a couple of times, and collapsed.  The EMTs administered CPR for an hour before the heart started beating again. Later, a medical doctor told me, “I think she died and they brought her back to life…somewhat.”

But she never regained consciousness. Eventually, the following Wednesday night, we asked the ICU team to disconnect life support.

When Margaret died, it was as though one moment she was breathing and then she wasn’t. Just that seamlessly.

Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  He is gracious, both to Margaret and to us.

I was remembering something a hospital chaplain prayed while Margaret was lingering and we were trying to decide whether to continue with life support.  She thanked God for this wonderful woman lying here.  Margaret was a wonderful woman, no mistake there.  And then, she said it.

The chaplain thanked God for our perfect marriage.

Not precisely in those words, but that was what it amounted to.

I smiled.

Margaret would probably have laughed out loud.

Our marriage was a lot of things, but perfect it was not. Probably not even ideal.

Our marriage was work.

Our marriage was normal.

Our marriage was a union of two very different people and therefore a constant struggle.

We argued, like normal people.

We talked of divorce a few times.

We went to marriage counseling for a solid year.

My son Neil remembers times when he was a young adult and wished we would indeed divorce if it would put a stop to the bickering.  (And yes, I was pastoring churches.  See why we keep urging people to pray for their pastors?)

Those were not good times in our marriage, and we were both glad to get beyond them.

What made the difference? What enabled us to get beyond those days of conflict?  Only at this vantage point–decades later–can I look back and answer.  Margaret may have had a different answer (and knowing her–this is the root of much of our conflicts–she would have. We saw things so differently).

1. We were suddenly thrust into situations where the outside world was threatening us and we had no choice but to begin working together.

What were the threats?  Conflict in our churches and trouble with our young adult children.

2. We decided some issues in the past cannot ever be resolved or undone and the best course of action is to close the door on them and go forward.

That was harder for Margaret than for me. She would have said Joe was content never to deal with past issues, while I might have said her tendency was never to let old wounds heal.  But eventually, you grow tired of dealing with them and give them to the Lord and try to go forward with your life.

3. We threw ourselves on the mercy of the Lord, asking Him–begging, actually–for strength to get through each day.

We found ourselves living by 2 Corinthians 3:5. “Not that we are adequate (sufficient) to think anything of ourselves; but our adequacy (sufficiency) is of God.”

Gradually, little by little over the years, you discover you have weathered the storms and endured the worst the enemy can sling your way, and you are still standing.

Still standing.

It’s great to be able to say that.  Margaret stands with the Father in Heaven today. Or, more likely, kneels, like Mary at the feet of Jesus (in Luke 10).  And I stand here, still in my place, in the house where we moved in 1994. Still working for the Lord.

I fear for people who are unhappy because theirs is not a perfect marriage.

There are no perfect marriages.

Marriages are made of two flawed individuals coming together in an attempt to weld together a home, a family, a unity.

Every marriage–every one!–is an act of courage. Of faith.

Christian marriages are when two flawed individuals, saved by grace but  still in great need of help, come together under the direction of the Holy Spirit and are made one in Him.  They live in grace and mercy, receiving it and extending it.  Only when they cut back on the receiving of grace and mercy do they begin to stingily extend the same to their marriage partner, and when that happens, nothing good occurs.

Pray for your marriage. Pray for your married children. And please, please, please–pray for your pastor and spouse.