Don’t Look Too Closely

It’s a hard lesson to learn in life, but fans of athletes and singers, actors and other television celebrities, would do well to adjust their expectations downward concerning the personal, private lives of those individuals.

The lives of very few superstars in any category will bear close inspection.

Life keeps trying to teach us this lesson, but so many in our society refuse to learn the lesson. So we are devastated when we learn the inner secrets and hidden activities of a Tiger Woods, a Michael Jackson, or an Edward Kennedy.

The reason we go on getting disappointed in such revelations is that we keep expecting other people to be better than they are.

And perhaps better than we are.

I was 18 years old when this lesson hit me up side the head. As a college freshman in Georgia and more than a little homesick, I was glad when I saw that a certain Southern gospel quartet was coming to nearby Rome for a concert. I had grown up singing their songs and had attended two or three of their programs, so this was like a little touch of home. I knew the personnel of the group and could sing most of their material along with them.

That’s why I decided to do what I did.


I left the campus early that Friday afternoon and traveled into town.

I had decided I would hang out at the auditorium and help the quartet unload and setup. I would meet them personally, and wouldn’t that be special.

It was. In a way. The bus pulled up and my celebrities got out. They were glad to have an able-bodied youth to help carry boxes of records and set up tables. For a half-hour, I sweated alongside these singers who were the only stars in my small firmament.

And they were nice to me. No complaints there. They might have given me a record or two or maybe a free pass to the program, I don’t recall.

The one thing I do recall is the cursing.

The gospel singers were sprinkling their conversation with profanity. And not of the worst kind, as I think back on it. Probably more of the “damn” and “hell” variety. I think we will agree they could have done a lot worse than that.

It wasn’t that I’d not been exposed to strong language. My dad was a coal miner and they invented profanity. Almost every man in his circle could put a sailor to shame.

I hated profanity. Looking back, that was probably for the same reason I hated alcohol, because I grew up with it and saw its effects on the people I loved and respected. It’s why I never indulged in either.

I never thought quite so highly of that quartet again.

A few years later, I heard sordid tales of the drinking and carousing that some members of the Southern-gospel quartet culture engaged in. I came to know two veteran singers no longer with their groups, the victims of alcoholism.

What I took away from all this was it’s all right to enjoy the music over the radio and you might even want to purchase a song you especially like. But nothing more. Don’t get too close.

Don’t need to know the details of their private lives. You might be sorely disappointed.

My wife and I enjoy the acting of Robert Duval. He must be in his 70s now and when it comes to Western movies, we adore the characters he plays and how he does it. “Open Range” and “Broken Trail” are two of our favorites.

But scratch the surface and you find Duval has been through several marriages and has had the typical struggles of Hollywood celebs. No doubt we would like him better if we learned he had been married to the same woman since he was 23 and that he could often be spotted in church on Sundays. But we’re past the groupie stage and accept that the man is a flawed human.

Like the rest of us.

The politician is cheating on his wife, even frequenting bordellos. Does that mean he should be ousted from office?

The athlete now admits he was high on drugs for some of those games.

Your favorite old-time movie actress is now revealed to have had an open door policy regarding her bedroom.

Franklin D. Roosevelt had one or more girlfriends, while John F. Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson were serial adulterers. You all right by that? Either way, there it is.

What about the preacher?

My answer to that is twofold:

1) He should be blameless and above reproach to the point that if you looked closely into his private world, you would find nothing that embarrasses you or compromises him.

And, 2) don’t do it. Don’t look too closely.

We could say here that his private life is none of your business, but in a sense it is.

We count on few people more than our ministers to be better than the rest of us.

We are not looking to Tiger Woods or other athletes as role models. But we are with our ministers.

“…not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.” (I Peter 5:3)

That’s my pastor. He’s a godly man. He loves his wife and she loves him. They are wonderful parents.

My pastor does not smoke or drink or curse. He does not cheat on his wife or even flirt with women. He is honest in his relationships, pays his bills on time, and keeps his word.

I should be able to say that. I want to be able to say that. And as pastor, I want it said of me.

But as a man, he’s not perfect.

In almost all cases, at one time or the other, the pastor has checked out those forbidden magazines in the rear of the newsstand. He has seen the X-rated channels available in some hotel televisions. He has lusted in his heart. At some point in his life, he may have dabbled with alcohol and tobacco and profanity. Maybe he was just trying them on for size or perhaps he had a real problem with it.

Not now, of course.

He’s your pastor and he’s godly.

But if you looked too closely into his past, you’d find more than you wanted to know. So, don’t do it.

Incidentally, as one given to tongue-in-cheek statements, I need to point out I’m not being cute in saying “he’s your pastor and he’s godly.” If he is the first, he should be the second.

It’s not so much that you have a right to expect it as that God demands it of him. That’s the standard for God’s shepherds.

God expects holiness.

A minister of the Lord deals in two somewhat contradictory urges here: he cuts himself a little slack because “I’m human” and does not demand perfection from himself, while at the same time he struggles to rise above those temptations which keep him tethered to the earth and prevent his spiritual soaring.

Nothing helps a pastor rise above the base temptations of this life more than keeping himself close to his Lord and his wife.

His Lord and his wife.

Remember that. It will be on the test.

When you serve on the pastor search committee and you are trying to make a determination on the pastoral candidate sitting across the table, remember that. You can ask probing questions all day and night–and some on your committee will want to–but nothing will tell the tale on the man more than learning what he does to keep himself close to the Lord and his wife.

As a young husband and young pastor, I recall the surprise with which I learned the inter-connectedness of those two things: when I was close to my wife, I was closer to the Lord. And vice versa.

Is this what Peter had reference to when he told husbands that they and their wives are “heirs together of the grace of life?” (I Peter 3:7)

You’re in this together, folks. As your relationship goes, so goes the one with God.

I’m not sure how far I want to push that, but generally speaking, it’s true.

Nothing helps a man overcome the seductive and deadly enticement of pornography like a great relationship with his wife. Likewise, that great relationship will also steel him against the kind of sultry temptation that struts into a pastor’s office and has destroyed the ministry of many a good man.

Nothing fills a pastor-husband with more confidence when he walks out the door in the morning to face whatever the day holds than to enjoy the loving, intimate and sweet support of his wife.

And that’s as specific as I’m going to get. Read between the lines and you know what I mean.

When our Lord was on trial, the high priest said, “Tell us what you’ve been teaching! I want to hear it from your own mouth.”

Jesus said, “You can ask anyone who heard me. I’ve had no secrets.” (My paraphrase of John 18:19-21.)

That’s the plan: no secrets.

This is for all believers, but I especially address this to pastors. No secrets, guys. No secret magazines stashed where no one will find them. No secret relationships on the internet or cell phone. No relationships you cannot tell your wife–or even the deacons–about. No secret vices and not even secret hobbies.

Transparency is a wonderful thing.

When you are close to the Lord and your personal life is above reproach, you feel great and go forth with a genuine boldness to do the Lord’s work and proclaim His word.

Finally, this word regarding “being clean:”

“If a man cleanses himself from (impurities), he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master, and prepared to do any good work.” (II Timothy 2:21)

2 thoughts on “Don’t Look Too Closely

  1. I always assume people can tell how good my marriage is by watching me and my bride interact. And they can tell how strong my walk with the Lord is as soon as I open my mouth to preach. I once heard Henry Blackaby say something to pastors like, “Your people will know the difference between a well crafted sermon and a word from the Lord.”

  2. One of your best, Joe. I agree with you: “Nothing helps a pastor rise above the base temptations of this life more than keeping himself close to his Lord and his wife.”

    Hope you have a blessed 2010.

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