This woman goes into the pharmacy. “I want to buy some arsenic.”

The druggist says, “We can’t sell you arsenic. Why do you want it?”

She says, “I want to kill my husband.”

“You want to buy some arsenic to kill your husband? May I ask why?”

She says, “Because he ran off with another woman. And, sir, that woman is your wife.”

The druggist says, “Why didn’t you tell me you have a prescription?”

That little joke from Dr. Bill Taylor, keynote speaker at our annual “Ridgecrest on the River” event held today on the campus of New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary, opened his message. Bill has a prescription for what ails many of our churches.

I sat in on several conferences throughout the day, then introduced Dr. Taylor at the plenary session at 2 o’clock. Here are some of my notes. You will thank me for not printing all of them out here; I’m a pretty thorough notetaker and it runs to several pages.

Bill Taylor: “Someone has written a book ‘New Ideas from Dead CEOs,” about Mary Kay, Walt Disney, Ray Kroc, and others. I’m thinking of writing a book ‘New Ideas from Dead CE’s,’ referring to Christian Educators.” Using powerpoint, he threw on the screen photos of some of his predecessors at the helm of SBC education for Lifeway: Arthur Flake, Frost, Barnette, Washburn, and Harry Piland.

“All the CEO’s in that book and all the CE’s in mine have one thing in common: NEXT. They were interested in ‘what’s next?’ They embraced the future. They were not looking back to 1900, they were not criticizing the new guys.”

“Christianity is the fastest declining religion in America,” Taylor said, quoting the North American Mission Board. “If we are to turn things around, we absolutely must change. Expect change, embrace it, enjoy it, and execute it.”

He listed five major changes that will be required of the churches of the SBC and much of America.

1) From a comfort mindset to a combat mindset. We’re too internally focused. The Gospel is not about us, but about the Kingdom.

2) From ‘serve us’ to Service. Jesus did not come to be ministered unto, but to minister. In the average church today, the members think the leadership exists to serve them. The focus is on themselves. Let a pastor stand up and begin to address the needs of the community and the selfishness of the congregation kicks in. Complainers and whiners are hopelessly self-centered.

3) From ‘watching the services’ to worshiping the Savior. Worship is not a spectator sport. When we come to church for observation only, we have taken a giant step toward a critical spirit. We come to church to encounter God.

4) From generational differences to supporting the generations. Ask any mother: family members do not like the same thing. And yet, the average church puts out one kind of music and one kind of ministry and preaching, then expects everyone to adapt to it. Let a minister introduce some variety and people scream to high heaven. Churches are most affected by generational change. Businesses don’t grieve over it; they adapt. A high school senior worships God differently from the way his grandparents worship.

5) From programmatic faith to transformational living. Most Christians think of witnessing as inviting a friend to a program. What’s needed is lifestyle Christianity. It’s not “attend our events,” but finding a relationship with Christ and the people of God.

Earlier, in a session for pastors, Bill Taylor shared thoughts along a similar theme. Here are a few quotes.

“Some people are never going to like the pastor. They didn’t like you the first time they saw you. They don’t like the way you speak. You didn’t come to their daughter’s wedding. And if you change what you are doing and start catering to them, trying to win them over, they will not respect you. Do not waste your time on them.”

“Bible study is not one of the ministries of the church. It is THE ministry of the church. We must get our people into the word and growing.”

Bill quoted a current Army general who said, “We are always in training. We train on the base, we train in the field. We train in foxholes, we train in battle. Because dumb, incompetent, lazy officers mean dead soldiers.” Dr. Taylor looked at the pastors and said, “Dumb, incompetent, lazy leaders means dead churches and dead members.”

“Spectacular achievements are always preceded by spectacular preparation. Events like ‘Ridgecrest on the River’ are good, but they’re not worth ten cents if you’re not doing it every week.” Bill said when he was the minister of education, he instituted a policy that once a year, each teacher in his church would come to his office for a conference. For 45 minutes, they would discuss the individual, his or her spiritual life, their daily time with God, their knowledge of their class members, and so forth. It’s about accountability and encouragement.

“Jaroy Weber, now in Heaven, former president of the Southern Baptist Convention, used to say, ‘We have to take our people from where they are to where they ought to be, as fast as we can, as slowly as we must.'”

“If your church does not do Sunday School right, you can’t think of a worse Bible study. But if you do it right, it’s fantastic.”

Bruce and Donna Raley–he’s with Lifeway in Nashville, and pretty much Bill Taylor’s successor there, I suppose; he’s a PK (preacher’s kid) and formerly the Associate Pastor of FBC Panama City, Florida–led a conference on “Life in the Parsonage” for pastors and wives. I sat in on part of it.

“I Kings 12:7 is a great verse for servant leadership. Be a servant to your people and they will follow you anywhere. And Philippians 3:17-21 is a great passage about keeping your balance in ministry.”

Bruce and Donna gave a number of “observations and suggestions” about life in the pastor’s home. “We have learned these over many years,” they confessed, “and have the scars to prove it.”

1. It is a privilege to be in the ministry, but it’s not easy.

2. Not everyone looks at you the same. Some adore you and some scorn you.

3. You cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you try.

4. No matter where you are, you live in a glass house.

5. For most ministers’ families, change will occur. Ministers seldom stay in the same church and community for a lifetime.

6. Your kids will be viewed differently from others.

7. It truly is a 24/7/365 job.

8. Start your vacation on Saturday and do not come back until a Monday. You won’t have to worry about your sermons while on vacation.

9. Get to know other ministers and their wives.

10. Choose your church friends carefully…very carefully.

11. Your children’s school programs, sporting events, etc., are more important than church committee meetings. Don’t miss them.

12. Plan times out and away with your spouse.

13. Each family member should find his/her own place of ministry. Don’t let anyone tell you what you must or must not do.

14. Understand that not all Baptists are Christians. (Attending the SBC in Dallas in 1985 convinced Bruce.)

15. Appreciate and do not take for granted the perks that come with the ministry.

16. Our Biblical mandate is to equip the saints for the work of the ministry–not to do it all ourselves.

17. It is not an unpardonable sin for a minister’s family member to miss a church service.

18. Be comfortable with yourself.

Melissa Moskau is the minister of children at the FBC of Kenner. Her conference had the title of “Talking to Children about Salvation and Discipling a Child Who is a New Christian.” I slipped into the session late, the only man in a room of some 20 women. Melissa told how she came to the Lord at age 7, but waited until she was 12 to be baptized. She pointed me out as the culprit who did the deed. I’m proud to take the credit. She’s wonderful. Her assistant today, the nice lady handing out the materials, was her terrific mom Janie, the pastor’s secretary at Kenner for the last 15 years.

After going over suggestions on how to talk with a child about salvation, Melissa spent a good portion of the time dealing with something we rarely hear about: how to disciple a child who is a new Christian. When our granddaughters, Abby and Erin, now 10, were saved and baptized, Melissa spent several sessions with them going over this very material. I told the group my experience was similar to Melissa’s in that I was saved at 12 and baptized at 19. Had someone explained baptism and calmed my fears, we could have taken care of this much earlier.

In one discipling session, Melissa helps the child write his testimony, the story of how he/she became a Christian. In another, they cover the ordinances of the Lord’s Supper and baptism. She takes the children up to the baptistry–remember that in a Baptist church, the baptistry is like a miniature swimming pool usually high above the choir loft–and familiarizes them with the place and procedure. Another session deals with the church, explaining who the church is (God’s people, saved through Christ), that it is the people not a building, and that it exists to bring glory to God. She helps the child find their own ministries in the church, and shows them how to have a daily quiet time with the Lord through prayer and Bible reading.

Nearly a third of the 300-plus attending the sessions today lifted their hands to indicate that it was their first time on the campus of our seminary. A special blessing was that the church staffs of the FBC of Panama City, Florida, and Allen, Texas, came at their church’s expense to teach conferences for our people today. Everyone I asked was raving about their sessions.

They also raved about the incredible meal served in the seminary cafeteria. But, of course, it was fried chicken and you know how Baptists are about fried chicken! We do love that stuff!