Relationship problems? Common problem.

“But I say through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith” (Romans 12:3).

They’ll be having the strangest high school football game near here this fall.

The high schools at Bogalusa and Amite, two small towns an hour or so above New Orleans, will play one another on the football field, the way they normally do, but with one huge difference.

The stadium will be empty.

No fans will be allowed near the game.

During a recent playoff game between those schools, a fight erupted in the stadium.  Evidently, it involved a lot of people and got out of control, because the executive director of the LHSAA, Eddie Bonine, decreed that when the teams play next fall, no one will be on hand except the teams, the bands, cheerleaders, and paid staff.  Nobody else.

That ruling puts a cramp in the finances of the schools that count on ticket sales and concessions to support the athletic budgets.

When fans let their emotions get out of control during games, schools suffer.

One wonders if now, several weeks after the fight, the adults involved are shaking their heads and wondering, “What was I thinking?”

Or, are they still blaming people–the other team, the referees, the fans?

The most popular feature in every newspaper is the advice column.  Some days our paper has half a dozen. Two speak to love issues, one to etiquette, one to spiritual angles, another to financial, and one gives household advice.

We read them, I expect, because seeing what someone else is going through makes us appreciate that our problems are minor.  Hearing the advice they are given shines a mirror on our own situation. Would we have handled it that way?  But what am I to do about the relationship issues in my own life? Can I learn anything here?

We all have issues.  Everyone has relationship situations.  Everyone.

If you are a boss, you have issues with every employee you manage. Some are high maintenance, some are a nightmare, and some a dream.

If you are a minister, you have hundreds (sometimes many hundreds) of members each equipped with his/her own relationship hangups and needs and questions. Some self-centered members exist to keep you humble, it appears, while the sweet ones are there to keep you from quitting.

If you are a human and not a castaway on some remote island with a soccer ball named Wilson, you have relationship issues.  Your best friend, your sibling, your parent, and your spouse are each vastly different from you.  They have histories different from yours, makeups not like yours, and opinions and needs, convictions and emotions all their own. .

In this life, conflict is not “par for the course.”  It is the course.

If we do not learn to deal with conflict early on in life, or at least at some point in our years, we will run from one broken relationship to another.

Pity the church with a pastor who has never learned this lesson, and leaves in his wake a trail of hurt or angry or disappointed or betrayed people before moving on to the next church. He has never learned to admit wrong, to confess his errors, to ask for forgiveness. As a result, he puts his family through a certain kind of torment packing up and moving on after a series of short-term pastorates, only to do the same again and again. He blames deacons and immature churches and the devil, but the fact is no church is perfect and all people are challenges and pastors are called on to be healers and examples.

Is there a sure-fire way to avoid conflict?  I mean, other than moving to that remote island with your soccer ball?

Of course not. In this life, we will have conflict.

But we do know a sure-fire method for circumventing half of the relationship problems people get into throughout their lives.

Start with humility.

Do not think of yourself too highly, but accurately and soberly. 

The best recipe for conflict you will ever find is this: Think the world revolves around you.  Think the church exists to meet your needs, and that the pastor should always “be there for you.”  Expect your husband or wife to understand what you are going through and to always “be there for you.” Demand the people around you meet your needs.

Be the center of the universe.

–As the center of the universe, you have rights.

–As the center of the universe, you have entitlements.

–As the center of the universe, you may make demands on the people around you.

If you are a college student, you can protest that the school is slighting you, ignoring your sensitivities, and offending you, and you can organize others to demand changes.  You have rights!

If you are a church member, you can move from church to church demanding that the pastor and staff meet your needs. And when they do not, you have a right to criticize and disrupt the peace, and finally to move your membership to another church where you repeat the process.

If you are a citizen of this country, you can carp and bellyache and write letters to the editor and harass every public official. You have rights.  The government owes you. You are a taxpayer with all the rights pertaining thereunto.  You can even barricade your family inside a ranch somewhere and fight off government officials with guns and explosives.  It’s being done all the time.

If you are married, you can demand that your spouse (and in time, your children) meet your needs, adjust to your schedule, anticipate your wants, and carry out your wishes.  And when they fail, you can make life miserable for them. After all, it’s your right.

Right?

Or, you can get real.

You are the center of no known universe.

No planets revolve around you.

Your life is not about rights and privileges, about entitlements and merit.

You were created in the image of God, but ever since you have done all you could to mar that image and thwart His purposes.  You have demonstrated throughout a lifetime that the grace of God is your ace in the hole, that if given what you deserve–what you are entitled to, what’s “coming to you”–you would be in hell today.

And you would deserve to be.

Think of yourself soberly.  Think of yourself as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.

Humble yourself.  Restrain your ego.  Give up ruling the universe.

Take a good look at your life without the rose-colored glasses and you will not like what you see.

You will wonder that anyone could love you, and begin to appreciate those who choose to do so.

You will be amazed that God so loved a bum like you that He sent His Son to die for you.

You will finally “come to yourself” like the prodigal of Luke 15:17, and realize you can come home to a waiting Father if you can find it in your heart to repent.

You will finally be able to pray the prayer of the publican in Luke 18:13. “God, be merciful to me, the sinner!”

You will understand the opening of David’s prayerful Psalm of repentance and faith, the 51st. “Have mercy upon me, O God, according to your lovingkindness; According to the multitude of your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions.  Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.”

You will appreciate the insight of Psalm 130: 3.  “If you, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who would stand? But there is forgiveness with you, that you may be feared.”

The funny thing about realizing you are nothing and worthy of hell

Once you realize your unworthiness and humble yourself to receive the Lord’s forgiveness, once He washes you and makes you clean and accepts you into the family, once you become aware that you are saved and born again and redeemed and that it was none of your own doing but by the sheer grace of a loving, sacrificing God, then and only then you realize something that you thought you knew but which had eluded you before.

Now, you really are someone.

You are a child of God.  You are a treasure to the Father. You are His beloved.

You have just learned by hard and glorious experience the truth of I Peter 5:5-6. “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time.”

From this moment on, you go forth as a humble servant of the Lord, demanding no rights, insisting on no entitlements, but existing to serve and to bless and to give.

You will exist to give from that moment on. You will no longer be demanding anything of anyone.  You will not insist on anything.  You will give and serve and bless and help and love.

And that will drive some crazy.

The world will not understand. And because it doesn’t, it will see you as a fool, as a patsy, a weakling.  Aggression and self-assertiveness are the only way to get things done in their estimation. Humble yourself and the world will see you as its footstool and use you as its doormat, right?

That’s the chance you take.

Our Lord Jesus said, “I am gentle and lowly in heart.  My yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:29-30).

The way the Lord Jesus trod led to a cross.

You might want to think twice before starting out to follow Him.

Every day with Jesus is not necessarily sweeter than the day before. Some of them are really rough.

 

 

 

 

 

One thought on “Relationship problems? Common problem.

  1. Pingback: Relationship problems? Common problem. - A CROOKED PATH

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.