The Egotism of Doubt

A friend and I have been trying to work our way through the 73rd Psalm. Doing it on-line slows down the process, but it also achieves something else which I’ve discovered as an unexpected blessing. Taking one’s time results in your seeing things in the Word you would have ordinarily missed.

That psalm–there’s nothing else like it in the Bible–gives the account of the writer (listed as Asaph) who had been envying the wealthy wicked for their long lives, contented circumstances, and trouble-free existence. “What’s the point in my doing good and suffering for it?” he wondered.

Then, just about the time he was thinking about sharing his discontent with others, he went to church, had a life-changing worship experience, and saw things in a vastly different light. Basically, what God showed him was the “end” of those people. That is, he saw what becomes of them after this life, and it was not a thing to be admired.

The psalm ends with a song of praise to God, made up of outstanding lessons learned through this experience.

What struck me today, though, was verse 15:

If I had said, ‘I will speak thus,’ behold, I should have betrayed the generation of thy children.

Looking back and writing about his time of doubt and misery, the psalmist sees this as a near-miss. He thinks, “Whew! I almost blew it. Had I told people what was going on in my mind–how I was doubting God and envying evil-doers–I could have really upset a lot of people and done a great deal of damage.”

That’s what he thought. And maybe he’s right.

But I’m thinking, maybe not. Had he gone before other believers and told them what he was thinking, how his faith was wavering, I’m betting that instead of upsetting them, the response would have been more like:

“(yawn) Man, you just now working on this? Where have you been? Pull up a chair, son.”

The simple fact is that every thoughtful believer at one time or other goes through such a crisis of faith. It’s part of the journey toward maturity.

However, the person in the midst of the crisis seems not to know it. Instead, he/she is afflicted by a syndrome that seems to accompany doubt: egotism.

When we doubt and question God, we seem to always do it alone. The reason is that something inside us insists that we are the first to think such thoughts. We have found the fatal flaw to the Christian faith. We are smarter than the other yokels around us who never dare look up and question what we’ve been taught.

Faith is humble. But doubt is egotistical.

Let’s look at this a little more closely.


Not long ago a friend whom I had not seen in many years contacted me on Facebook. He had seen my photo on someone else’s page and thought we should reconnect. In the course of updating each other, he indicated that he would love to share some concerns of his regarding his spiritual life. He hesitated, he said, because he knew enough about me to believe I had never had any troubles, that life had been one success after another for me.

I laughed at that before answering him. I thought, “Where do I start? Shall I tell him about my cancer from 5 years back? The last two churches I pastored which almost sent me to an early grave? The trouble Margaret and I have endured in our marriage? The difficulty with my children? The year I spent without a job between the last two pastorates?”

You may remember the old gospel song, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen; nobody knows but Jesus.” It’s true. Only He knows.

My friend’s troubles had made him rather myopic. His own problems were blinding him to the fact that others around him were undergoing their own share of heartaches and headaches.

What doubt and despair think comes out to something like this: “I see what no one else sees; I question what they take for granted; I know what they do not; no one knows what I’m going through.”

As a college student and active in my church, I struggled with doubt from time to time. I wondered whether the Bible was really true, whether God actually existed, and whether Jesus had ever walked this earth as we claim.

These doubts came and went like the ebb and flow of the tides, never a tsunami, never a tidal wave knocking over everything in its path, but more like the constant nagging of wave after wave upon the shore.

Two things kept me from being a church-dropout statistic: 1) the despair of doubt, and 2) the constancy and faithfulness of mature Christians around me.

Doubt not only is egotistical, it leads to despair if turned loose and given its head. The idea of a universe where there is no Deity, where the Bible cannot be trusted, and where no Savior was ever given–was just too much to imagine. The only alternative is despair.

Bill Dempsey was our church’s college Sunday School teacher. He was as fine a man as I ever knew. Sharp mind, great insights, keen wit, and wonderful personality. To my knowledge, I never mentioned my doubts to him. But just the thought of this good and godly man believing in the Lord and in His Word worked like an anchor for me. I would think of Bill and a few other sweet, godly saints and think, “They’re not stupid. They worked through their doubts and came out on the other side. There’s hope for me.”

That’s why a good strong church has a pivotal role to play in helping us deal with our doubts.

A dear young friend of mine in another state is going through a similar crisis. In her case, however, there is no congregation of faithful believers to anchor her. She’s on her own, and it is driving my prayer life. As she reflects on her questions about God–and as with most sincere doubters, she has excellent personal reasons to wonder where God is–I hope she will think of me and conclude, “If he is sure God exists and that He is good, if he believers the Word and trusts it, then that will be a starting point for me.”

Doubt is not all bad. Some people are believing wrongs which to question is good. And some are believing truths hard-won and hammered out by others butt which need to be won, point by point, anew by each generation; and to question the truths is good too.

I strongly recommend John Ortberg’s “Know Doubt,” a book written to “help us embrace uncertainty in our faith.” Here’s a quote:

Because old Mother Nature is a dysfunctional parent who keeps sending us mixed messages, we need both faith and doubt. The birth of every infant whispers of a God who loves stories; the death of every infant calls his existence into question. Writer Michael Novak says that doubt is not so much a dividing line that separates people into different camps as it is a razor’s edge that runs through every soul.

Many believers tend to think doubters are given over to meaninglessness, moral confusion, and despair. Many doubts assume believers are nonthinking, dogmatic, judgmental moralizers. But the reality is, we all have believing and doubting inside us. For ‘we all have the same contradictory information to work with.’

Ortberg tells of Elie Wiesel, the Holocaust survivor and writer. When asked to describe his faith, (he) uses the adjective ‘wounded.’ “My tradition teaches that no heart is as whole as a broken heart, and I would say that no faith is as solid as a wounded faith.”

Ortberg says, “I believe. And I doubt. The razor’s edge runs through me as well.”

2 thoughts on “The Egotism of Doubt

  1. Your comments on the egotism of doubt reminded me of Jerry Clower’s story about the man who became a new Christian and was ready to teach seminary the next week because he saw so much no one else had seen!

    As a DOM in Lake County Florida I sometimes have to deal even with pastors who have found something in the Bible that no one else has ever found!

    We all have to watch the danger of egotism. Thanks for the thoughts you provoke every time I read your blog.

  2. Two thoughts:

    1 – I went thru a period in college when I was not sure God existed, but I was certain He called me to preach. (You had to have been there.)

    2 – re yr “dear young friend of mine in another state” : Several times in pastoral counseling with despairing people I have told them “You can borrow my faith until yours comes back.” I have no idea what that means, but it worked for most of them!

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