What we need are a few more bowl games

We only had 35 post-season college bowl games last year. That was far too few, don’t you think?

In the January 7, 2013 issue of The New Yorker, Jay Martel (with tongue firmly planted in cheek) identifies some additional bowl games which we should be supporting in the post-season season. (Let’s hear it for redundant redundancy!)

Jay wants us to know about The Zykonex Painkiller Orange Bowl pitting the Nebraska State Destroyers against the Massachusetts Polytechnic Blue Jays. The Destroyers exploit their 100-pound per player advantage with the kind of hard hitting which has resulted in a record-setting 3,047 yards of penalties last year. The Blue Jays have all signed organ donor cards.

Then, there is the Away-Pain Anesthetic Swabs Sugar Bowl game. This matches the Western Ohio Debilitators against the Biloxi University Human Traffickers. The game is made all the more special by the backstory of the Debilitators’ star linebacker Nick Jordanson. With his volunteer work, Nick is a wonderful role model to his colleagues and fans, particularly when you consider that only last year he was convicted of genocide and other war crimes at The Hague. Now, having turned his life around, he’s the most feared tackler on the team.

The I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Skin Rose Bowl is one you won’t want to miss. The Lodi State University Cannibals go up against the University of Northern Southwestern California Germs. The UNSC team is known for having 70 percent of its players survive to play professionally. The Cannibals’ only loss last season came in the third game when the quarterback’s face caved in.

Ugh. Sorry. There are more, but I’ll stop there. You get the drift.

This bit of gruesome whimsy started me thinking of more less-deadly bowl games we could be playing in that figuratively-speaking dead time between the end of football season and the startup of the serious bowls.  Let’s try these on for size. See what you think.

The Church Leadership Let-It-All-Hang-Out Bowl.

The teams invited to play this year are the Pastors’ Bible College Sweet Saints (with an 0-11 record but plenty of moral victories) going up against the Mean-Spirited University’s Demon Deacons (wearing castoff jerseys from Wake Forest) who are undefeated for the 12th straight season.  The game surprised no one, with the Deacons running up and down the field at will, amassing a total of 563 points while overcoming a record 83 penalties. The Sweet Saints refused to hit their opponents–it’s against their religion–and so made sitting ducks of themselves. However, in an unusual twist, the championship trophy was given to the Sweet Saints in tribute to their great sportsmanship. The angry DDs grabbed the trophy and ran away and neither they nor the trophy have been seen since. No decision has been made as to whether this bowl will continue.

The Business Colleges Sweet-Potato Casserole Bowl.

In this game between the church administration majors of Baylor University’s Nacogdoches campus and the CPA’s of Rice University’s Owl fraternity, the game is delayed 12 hours while every detail is worked out to the satisfaction of all the accountants in the group.  No one did much of anything on the field, and the stadium was emptied by midway through the first quarter, as soon as the popcorn and hotdog concessions gave out.  The final score was CA Majors 31.5542 and the Rice CPAs 35.772.  Close game.

The Saturday Night Frantically-Searching-For-A-Sermon Bowl

In this contest, the preachers of Hardin-Simmons’ Baptist extension center take on the publishers of Lifeway Christian University. A knock-down drag-out developed right off the bat as each side claimed the same end zone as rightfully their own.  A preacher on a Saturday night in search of a sermon is a sight to behold, and a publisher with a book to peddle and a hungry pastor in his sights is his equal in every way.  The referees had their hands full all night long. I forget who won.

Well, these are some of the bowl games being considered.  Stay tuned.

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