Well-Intentioned Dragons and Other Snakes-in-the-Pews

Dear Pastor, you’re a wonderful man of God. My family loves your preaching. However, there are a few things I’d like to call to your attention that will help you improve your sermons and your leadership….

What follows is a half-dozen pages of critiques, criticism, and suggestions. Pressure from the pew.

Some years back, in his book by that title, Marshall Shelley called these people “Well-Intentioned Dragons.”

These preacher-critics in the congregation mean well, I suppose–Marshall gave them the benefit of the doubt; I’m not entirely convinced–but they wear their preachers out and use them up quicker than anyone in the church.

In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that not only do the other members not know what these benevolent-serpents are doing, but they would be upset if they knew.

A little group of members of your church are harassing your pastor and doing it in loving words.

Here’s what happened to a local pastor just the other day.


Pastor Seth gave permission to share this with you. He said, “Use any of this to help anyone…I’m sure I’m not alone.”

Seth has a church member called (for good reason) “Tiny.” At least once a week, Tiny emails Seth with his critique of the Sunday worship service, Seth’s leadership, and the sermon itself. This has been going on for almost as long as Seth has been pastor, just over a year.

Tiny is not a church leader, not a heavy contributor or the chairman of anything. He is not a heavy-weight in any way other than in avoirdupois. When he makes a point in the church business meeting, the congregation is not in awe and does not fall in line. He weilds no power over the pastor and has no authority other than the same as any other church member.

All of that is to say that we’re not talking about a man of “renown,” as the Korathites are called in Numbers 16. (That bunch attacked Moses for claiming a special relationship with God. Alas, they learned too late that when they messed with the man of God, the Almighty took it personally.)

Tiny would be the first to admit he is “just a member.” Although, he would be quick to add that he sees things more clearly than most others.

Seth sent me the most recent diatribe from Tiny. He says it’s typical of the emails he receives every week.

Here are some excerpts….

“Seth, good sermon Sunday.” (We told you these people are well-intentioned. Nothing about any of this is going to come across as hateful or mean-spirited.)

“So, let’s examine what I think went well at our church and what needs improving.”

Seth is so excited to learn he has a member who is issuing a regular status report on the church. (Not!)

“I liked how you tied the Old Testament passage to Christ last Sunday. Well done, although I might have perhaps worked in a reference to Hebrews in the conclusion. That would have been perfect.”

“Second, you generally hit your transitions, but I don’t recall you reviewing any of the material you covered. It could just be me, not following all the truth you’re giving.”

“On that point, we should consider more slides. You have a computer program that gives your name and your passage, but you don’t use it much. That would be a good way to share your outline–put up points you want emphasized, photos, even movie clips. That way, your great message could reach to other non-auditory learners (i.e., young people).”

“Also, I wish you had been more specific about sin. What are we to avoid? Smoking? I know preaching too hot and heavy on specific sins might turn into a soapbox, but can we see God’s face and still, for instance, commit adultery? Covet?”

“Seth, you are the only guy in the building wearing a business suit. Why? None of the old-heads wear them. We all do generally come to church in nice casual clothing, but no suits. Why do you wear one?”

We told you he is not unkind, not cutting, and not malicious. He’s just demanding and convinced that he himself occupies some kind of advisory role for the pastor.

Tiny’s pastor, Seth, is not a youngster. Without giving away any information here, let’s just say he is a mature and experienced adult. My hunch is Tiny is in the same age range.

But Tiny has one advantage over Seth which makes all the difference in his (Tiny’s) mind: he owns a seminary degree. Seth is still working on his degree.

Back to the letter (this is no brief memo Tiny sends his pastor, but a many-paged analysis of the previous Sunday’s events)….

“The singer you brought in seems to be a nice guy and he sings well. But he unfortunately illustrated rather well, I think, what we don’t want in our worship. That is, we don’t if we know what’s good for us. What he did was to run through several songs with absolutely no reflection on them, no prayer in between them, no relation to the message or each other, and little or no participation from the congregation. It’s too bad, because he picked some great songs.”

See? He’s kind, he’s nice, and he’s brutal.

He goes on, “No one (unless he/she is of professional caliber) ought to sing a ‘special’ in our church. That is, unless it’s just awesome. Why do we have specials to begin with? The singer Sunday didn’t do badly, but when he started singing that country stuff, it was so corny the young people started covering their faces in embarrassment.”

Finally, he moves to the conclusion….

“This brings us to the big question, Seth: what are we going to do about our liturgy? What are we going to do about our identity, how our church approaches worship? And who is our target audience?”

“Maybe the reason people aren’t coming,” Tiny analyzes, “is because we’re not speaking the language of the youth in our worship. There’s more that I can say, but it’s your turn. Thoughts?”

See? He’s actually inviting Pastor Seth to respond. Nice guy.

In his note to me, Seth said, “I entertain these conversations (i.e., Tiny’s emails) even though they are painful. I try to answer him 90 percent of the time. I tell him I’m sensitive to the needs of the church and that to date, he is the only one I’ve received any concerns from.”

“As a result, Tiny has begun to share his concerns with others in the church in order to make sure I hear it from them, too. My concern is that they will either get tired of hearing him rant or wonder why I’ve failed to squelch it.”

Seth wonders if he should clear the deck with Tiny and just tell him, “Enough! You have been heard. Now stop!” (In as loving a manner as possible, he emphasizes.)

“And should I keep repeating that until he gets the message? Should I be firmer with him? Or should I let silence be my answer?”

Seth is beginning to resent Tiny.

He asked me what to do.

Here is part of my response….

“Dear Seth,

“If I could have ordered someone just for your church to sit and listen to you each week and then undercut everything you try to do, I could not have prescribed anyone more perfect than this guy. And he does it so sweetly!

“One. Seth, God will use this in your life and future ministry. In some ways and to some degree, you will have a Tiny in every church you pastor from here on in. So, learning how to deal with him is a huge accomplishment. A little abrasion is painful but often it helps get the rough edges off us.

“Two. Consider the things he says and ask the Lord whether he is right on any of them. Truth is where you find it, and sometimes it arrives from the weirdest sources. I look back over nearly a half-century of ministry and can see a few times when I rejected good advice because the guy offering it was a nut. When David was being cursed by Shimei (it’s in Second Samuel 16 where David is fleeing Absalom), his nephew and general Abishai wanted to take the man’s head off. David calms him down with a great answer–

“a. My own son is trying to kill me; how much more this guy. That is, put it in perspective.

“b. It could be what he’s saying is from the Lord. Ask God if He’s speaking to you in this.

“c. If I’m gracious to him, maybe the Lord will be gracious to me. You have every right to be harsh, but use this as an opportunity to show grace.

“David’s response is one of the most mature dealings of criticism we will ever encounter.”

“Three. Having said that, though, you have every right to tell Tiny to cool it. When you feel you have had enough, you could tell him something like the following (or a variation of it)–

“Tiny, I shared your comments and criticisms with an older pastor friend. He said you seem like a good guy and your heart is in the right place, but you don’t understand several things. A pastor has lots of constituencies, not just the youth. He has his own convictions on how things should be done, and he’s constantly laying these matters before the Lord. If he’s any kind of a pastor, he’s still growing and learning. Furthermore, he’s vulnerable. Criticism stings.

“If the pastor took counsel from every adult in the church on how to lead and preach, he would be a basket case. That’s what drives him to his knees in prayer, seeking God’s will for the church.

“A word or two from you occasionally can be a good thing, but not this treatise you’re writing to me every week. So, Tiny, I’m asking you to back off. At the most, once a month.”

There it is.

We invite our readers–particularly ministers and other church leaders–to comment on how you have dealt with similar situations. Likewise, Seth (who reads this blog) would enjoy receiving your thoughts on what he should do.

9 thoughts on “Well-Intentioned Dragons and Other Snakes-in-the-Pews

  1. I think the one thing that struck me more than anything else is that statement, “Tiny has a seminary degree and Seth is working on his.” Whatever Tiny’s reasons for having said degree and not using it are his and his alone, but it sounds to me as though Tiny is wanting to be the “shadow pastor” of the church that God has placed Seth in the office of pastor. I have no degree but in my younger years I worked in churches in various roles and I know that these well-meaning folks are there. They listen with a critical ear to everything looking for ways that “they” can observe and point out how to make the church better. I suppose that they can be called the modern day version of the Pharisee. Seth, hang in there friend. There are probably more Publicans in your church than Pharisees. Take “Tiny’s” words and sift them through the filter of the Spirit of God. Joe’s advice as to how to deal with Tiny is wise.

  2. Spurgeon was delivered a message every Monday by an anonymous critic detailing everything he did wrong the previous day. Spurgeon gave thanks to God for the input and for the person God used to keep him from becoming conceited. Spurgeon is a better man than I.

    In my former church, for about a year, a certain man who fancied himself an evangelist approached me every Sunday after church and began with something like, “What you failed to mention today was . . . ” or “Here’s the way I would have preached that message . . . ” He got on my nerves, but I just smiled and went on my way. He always told me how much he loved me and supported my ministry. Then I did something he really didn’t like, and he asked the deacons if he could come to their meeting and demand my ouster. They said, “Sure. But you won’t like our response. We love our pastor and won’t stand for anyone trying to harm him or cause division in the church.”

    As for Tiny putting his comments in writing each week, I’m with Joe. Look for any validity in his comments. But it’s ok to put an end to it as well. When you’ve had enough, as Tiny’s pastor, talk to him about his prideful and critical spirit and encourage him to get with the program.

  3. Bro. Joe,

    There are TOO many critical people in the world and sadly, many of them are in the church.

    These people love to hear their own voice and to make sure that others know how smart they think they are.

    But God knows better and Proverbs 18:2 says it best: “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.”

  4. I like Mike’s supportive deacon. Way too often congregations know how a few behave and leave it to the pastor to handle it. In one church, I was warned by two leading members about a key person in the church and not to trust him. This was the first Sunday from two pulpit committee members. If they had told me ahead of time, I would have made my coming conditional on their dealing with that situation before I got there.

    In several churches I had more than one Tiny who gave every pastor fits. Laymen reading this should consider how to intervene and stop this kind of thing in its tracks.

    I concur in yr advice, Joe, but think more deacons or other leaders should put the dampter on Tiny.

  5. I concur with Yogi’s response about the absense of any “Worship Experience”. I also think jealousy is the root of the problem. Having a degree and not using it could mean a variety of things such as “man called” instead of “God Called”.

    Man called to the pastorate leads to failure. Human performances (speaking, singing, etc.,) are mechanistic and become all important. An example is in II Corinthians 10 when Paul was accused of not being a good speaker by the false apostles.

    I have told my congregation that we can learn something from any (Gospel preaching) pastor if we listen. I think I should include “and we don’t look for criticism”. Leave that to our wives, LOL.

    I am a bi-vocational pastor and my other job is an on-line and traditional professor of MBA students. Crticism is for education, church is for worshipping God. We should always “listen” for what God has to say to us. We should know that God speaks to all of us differently in a message if we only listen. One wise man told me once that “God speaks to some in a small still voice but others he has to use a 2 by 4 to get our attention, first.”

    Dr J

  6. I’ve dealt with someone like this too. He too had a seminary degree with no church staff experience and was older. I don’t know that I handled it particularly well, but I did handle it. It took a few times of me communicating ot the person God had called me to be the pastor. Confrontation is one of those things that I’d rather not do, but when it became clear to me that he was actually hurting the church and my own mental health, I knew it was time to confront.

    Tiny and people like him are not healthy. It takes a lot of courage and grace and wisdom.

    I suggest that Seth confide in an older pastor.

    …oh, wait a minute…

  7. Spurgeon wrote in Lectures to My Students..about the Blind eye and the Deaf Ear…All ministers he says must have them and quotes Ecclesiastes 7;[21]

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