“Not that we are adequate to think anything of ourselves; but our adequacy is of God” (II Corinthians 3:5).

The “fidgety” in the title refers to the young wife, not to her pastor-husband.

You’re just not sure you are cut out to be a preacher’s wife.  You wonder why in the world the Lord in Heaven thought you of all people had what it takes to be the (ahem) “first-lady” of any church, large or small.  You are so overwhelmed by all the inadequacies you bring to this assignment, you find yourself wishing most days that your man would walk in and announce he was mistaken, that God wants him to run the State Farm office with his father back home.  A normal existence.

You’re normal, young sister.

Every minister’s wife on the planet has felt this way, including the best ones, those beautiful put-together women you admire from a distance who seem to have developed “pastors-wife” into a career and a calling.

“Not that we are adequate for these things.”

1) You are not adequate for this assignment, let’s say that up front.  You do not have what it takes.

This has nothing to do with anything.

God did not select you because He was so impressed by the wealth of talent and abilities you bring to His cause.

And yes, in case you are wondering, when He called your guy (Josh or Justin, Tim or Trevor) into the ministry, He knew full well whom he had married (or would marry).  It is no stretch to say God wanted you in this work with him.

2) You can do this.  You’re going to be needing to grow in the Lord, to trust the Lord, and to humble yourself to do it well, but you can do it.

You bring something to your husband’s ministry he desperately needs and without which he will be forever handicapped: you bring your own ministry.

3) God will give you a ministry of your own in this calling.  What will that look like? Answer: Unlike anyone else’s ministry. After all, you are unlike anyone else who has ever lived. You are unique, an original direct from the Designer’s Hand. So, the work He does through you will be special also.

4) I’m climbing out on a limb here and will tell you what “some” of your ministry will look like….

–Your ministry will be to live for Jesus Christ, as a disciple of His, to draw near and love and obey Him.

–Your ministry will be as your husband’s wife.  And not as a super wife either.  Just one who loves him and does what wives do.

–Your ministry will be as a mother, if the Lord wills.

–Your ministry will be to speak the loving truth to your husband. If you do, he will be alternately blessed, frustrated, angry, amazed, and comforted.  He will not always appreciate what you say, but as he grows in Christ and matures as a preacher, he will see what a treasure you are.  (But speaking “the loving truth” to your man means often affirming him, not always criticizing him. As with everyone else in the church, the way for your criticism to carry weight is for you first to build a reputation as a team player, a positive supporter of all that is good. That earns you the right to be heard when your words are not what he wanted to hear.)

–Your ministry will include anything else the Lord puts on your heart. But–and this cannot be emphasized too strongly–you will want to do it. No one, not even the Lord, will force you to do anything against your will.

–That is, except to suffer.  Your ministry from time to time may involve taking a bullet, as we say, for the Lord Jesus Christ.  Suffering is life. This is a fallen world and no friend of grace. You will not be exempt from the hardships of life, even though you have chosen (and been chosen) to serve the Living God.

5) My wife wants me to add this: Your ministry will vary from church to church.  On going to a new church, she advises, “You choose what job you want to do before they choose it for you.”  By “they,” she means a few strong-willed women of the church who get a certain validation from enlisting the pastor’s wife in their own ministries.

In one church, Margaret taught children in Sunday school. In another, it was single adults, and in a third, she taught a class of middle-aged ladies. In one church, she ran cameras for the television ministry and directed the drama team.  In the last church we served, she and I team-taught the auditorium Bible class. We sat on stools in front of the sanctuary, with 80 or 100 people scattered throughout the huge room.  Our class joked that “Brother Joe will tell you what the text means and Miss Margaret will tell you what it means on Tuesday.”

What’s funny (to me, at least) is that when we began serving churches, Margaret’s self-esteem was rather low and she “just knew” she would never be able to teach a class or even keep a home to the satisfaction of the membership.  Later churches teased that they called me as pastor in order to get her; she was that special.

6) You might appreciate hearing how this business plays out in our household to this very day.  First, a little background. Margaret and I were married when she was 19 and I was 22, fresh out of college. Today, we’re in the 52nd year of marriage, with 3 middle-aged children and 8 grands. I’m in my fifth year of retirement from what we might call a “paid ministry,” and speaking here and there, writing relentlessly, and sketching hundreds of people almost every week.  Because of health issues, she mostly stays at home. When the people who invite me to their church ask “Will your wife be with you,” I answer, “No. She’s heard me.”

Often when I’m working on an article for this website, I’ll ask Margaret if she has time to hear what I’ve written so far.  She’ll take her tea from the microwave, pull a chair up to the breakfast table where I’m situated, and say, “Ready.”

As I read, she interjects comments. (She knows that’s what I’m asking for.) Sometimes, I’d prefer she wait until I’m through because the point she makes is one I cover a few paragraphs later. But many times, I’ll say, “Hold on! Let me type that in!”  (That’s precisely how Point #5 above got included.)

She brings a perspective which I need.  She will see a side to every issue I never thought of. For years, when we were young and stupid, we thought this was a problem and it caused many an argument. In time, I began to see God had put her beside the young husband with a plan in mind. She brought insights and correctives which helped to keep me on course and balanced.

A pastor friend who was speaking to a group of us recently was paying tribute to his wife. “I call her my Idea Assassin,” he laughed. “She has shot down more weird ideas from her preacher husband than you can imagine.”  He paused and said, “I tell our deacons, you have no idea how much money and trouble she has saved the church by telling me that something was a dumb idea and I should drop it.”

A few days earlier, I had posted an article on this website bemoaning the “idea assassins” in churches, people who delight in telling pastors and staffers, “Don’t be getting any big ideas now.”

Both are correct.  Sometimes, a pastor’s best friend is the person who hears his idea and then tells him he should drop it and why.  (Proverbs 27:6 comes to mind here. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.”)

On the other hand, pastors need encouragement when the insights and ideas they bring to the table are worthy.  When that happens, wife of the young minister, you are on the spot. Get this right. So much depends on it.

I will go so far as to say, sister-in-Christ, if you can be a Christian, you can be a pastor’s wife. So, relax. Enjoy the ride.  It’s the best life there is.