Category Archives: Pastors wives

Special message to a pastor about to make the mistake of his life

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Last night I attended our state Baptists’ annual meeting at a church near here.  Hundreds of pastors and wives were there, along with a good number of (ahem) normal Christians.  My good friend Shawn Parker is the state executive and I wanted to hear him preach.  He was outstanding, as usual.

I didn’t stay long since I’m caregiver for my Bertha and I don’t like to leave her for long periods.

And this morning, I have awakened with something on my heart.  Something from the Lord, I believe.

Here it comes…

I want to say a word to a pastor who is thinking of committing adultery.  Don’t ask me how I know; I just know.

You are captivated by a woman who is gorgeous, who is intelligent and–well, let’s just say she is all the things you have decided your wife is not.  In your mind you are going over all the things you and she would do together. Many of them X-rated.  Furthermore, you believe she feels the same way.

Here is my word to you.

Stop it.

You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

I want to tell you a story.

A pastor friend came to me some years back.  For some reason, he decided to confide in me.  “I’m going to leave my wife.  The woman I want belongs to a church I used to pastor.  She is beyond wonderful and I want to be married to her.”

I knew he and his wife had married too young, many years earlier.  When they grew up, they now had several children and he was the respected pastor of a Southern Baptist church.  For him to leave his wife would mean the end of his ministry as well as untold suffering for his family.

I talked him out of it. Basically, what I said to him is what I want to say to you:

–1) Sure, you will enjoy it….for a time. But the new, the excitement, wears off.  And you will have to find a way to support two families, your present one and your new family.  This will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.

You say, “But we deserve this.”  That’s a lie out of hell.  You do not!

–2) The pain you cause will be widespread and everlasting.  The hurt will reverberate into every church you have served, every community where you were respected, and throughout your family. For your children it will never go away.  And furthermore, your guilt will torment you forever.  Sure, God can forgive it.  But seeing the hurt in people you love will always stay with you.

You say, “The children will adjust.”  No, I’m sorry to say, not going to happen.  Even if  they say they forgive you, the damage will never go away. 

–3) In time, you will decide this was the stupidest thing you have ever done.

Remember when Nathan confronted David in Second Samuel, chapter 12?

When the prophet rebuked the king, he made three points which are relevant to our discussion today:

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The number one thing you can do for your pastor and ministerial staff

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You can see that the church is investing in their retirement.

Here’s my story.  It has made a world of difference for me.

In the 1970s, our denomination woke up.  Leaders realized churches needed some guidance in preparing for their ministers’ retirement.  So, they held conferences around the country and invited churches to send representations.  I was serving First Baptist Church of Columbus, MS, a county seat town with an Air Force base and a woman’s university.  The pastor before me had logged 26 years and retired with his wife to their hometown of Humboldt, Tennessee.  I was in my mid-thirties and frankly, had not given the first thought to retiring some day.

My minister of education Bill Hardy attended the conference.  The leadership suggested churches invest an amount equivalent to ten percent of the ministers’ salary in his retirement.  The agency in charge of our investments was called The Annuity Board of the SBC.  At some point in years following, it became Guidestone and they began inviting non-Baptists to invest with them.  These days, they control a whopping amount of money for many thousands of God’s servants.

When I left Columbus, the next church–the FBC of Charlotte, NC–did the same 10%.  Then, the next church–the FBC of Kenner, LA (metro New Orleans)–did not due to a church split 18 months earlier and heavy indebtedness.  Eventually, they put 1.5% into the retirement fund.  (Regrettably, I do not recall what we did for the other ministers and staff.  I hope we were faithful.)  And fourteen years later, when I became DOM for the Baptists of metro New Orleans, they once again invested 10% into my retirement.

So, here’s what happened.

I retired in June of 2009.  I was 69 years old. And I got some awful advice.  Someone at Guidestone called to suggest I take a 20-year annuity.  “It pays 6 % now, but it’s about to drop to 3%,” he said.  What that means is that for 20 years I would receive an amount equal to six percent of my investment total.  And, it would end after those 20 years were up.

“I don’t think so,” I said.

My account was invested in what Guidestone called a medium-aggressive fund.  So, I left it there.  And filled out the papers to receive a monthly stipend of $2,000 as a housing allowance.  And nothing more.  Twenty-four thousand a year.

It was the best decision ever.

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When a minister commits adultery

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“You have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife” (II Samuel 12:10).

A minister falls into adultery and it becomes public knowledge. This becomes a sad, sad day for everyone who knows him.

And yes, I am aware it takes two people to commit this sin.  However, this blog is directed toward pastors and other church leaders, so the minister is the focus of our comments here.

“I think we all should consider this a wakeup call,” said a colleague of a friend who had fallen into sin and lost his ministry.  The other ministers nodded in agreement.

It can happen to any of us. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Will anyone tell you “otherwise”? Oh yes.  Scripture calls him by numerous names: Satan, the devil, Lucifer, that old serpent, and the slanderer.  Remember, friend–he’s not called the “accuser of the brethren” for nothing (Revelation 12:10).

Jesus called him a liar and the father of lies (John 8:44).

“Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall” (I Corinthians 10:12).  Beware of feeling this sin or any other sin could not happen to you, friend.

“If Thou O Lord should mark iniquities, who would stand?” (Psalm 130:3)
You know that you are just as bad a sinner as the adulterer, don’t you?  If you do not, if you believe that your sins are of a nicer variety and deserve less severe treatment from God, you have more problems than we can deal with here.

If anyone should be above the law and able to come and go sexually as he pleases, it ought to be the king, right?

One king of Israel seems to have bought into that myth.

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What I miss most about pastoring

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Not one thing.

As much as I loved pastoring, I do not miss it.

That might need a tiny bit of explaining.

I’ve not pastored since 2004, when I became the area-wide “director of missions” for the SBC churches in metro New  Orleans, a Southern Baptist position similar to the Methodist District Superintendent or some minor bishop (but, as we tell our Catholic friends, “bishop minus the authority and funny hat”).  After 5 years, I retired to a ministry of itinerant preaching, writing, cartooning/sketching, and honey-doing.

I do not miss pastoring, even though I put in 42 years serving six churches and by all reports, did a fair job of it.

I do not miss the stress.

I do not miss the constant demands placed on a pastor and the sleepless nights that result.

I do not miss the relentless return of the Sabbath with its requirement for several new sermons and fresh presentations at every level.

I do not miss deacons meetings and monthly church business sessions.

I don’t miss hospital visitation, even though I still do that occasionally.

I  don’t miss weddings or funerals, even though I still get asked once in a while.

I don’t miss the administrative details, the long staff meetings, the occasional interstaff bickering and competition, or  the endless impossible-to-meet expectations placed on me by a few high octane  members (but mostly by myself).

But I did love pastoring.  As a new seminary grad in the summer of 1967, I had to get straight with the Lord whether I was to pastor churches or teach history in college (this was the original plan) and be a bi-vo pastor of small churches.  While on my knees in a hotel room in San Antonio, my wife asleep nearby, I heard from the Lord in no uncertain terms: I was to pastor churches.

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The 5 most frustrating things pastors do

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Pastors are called of God and assigned some of the most difficult work in the universe.  For the most part they labor well and long and you never hear a complaint out of them. They are my heroes.

Most of them.

The typical pastor in our denomination serves a church running 100 or fewer in attendance, which tells you the offerings are inadequate to provide much of a living for him. In some cases he holds down a second job or his wife works. Or both. Most amazing of all, he manages to live on what they pay him.

I believe in these guys. They are my brothers and my admiration of them knows no bounds.

Most of them.

But there are times when some of these ministers do the most self-defeating things. Not all of them, thankfully. But enough to warrant our addressing the issue as a caution to the rest of the Lord’s stable of shepherds.

Here is my personal list of the 5 most frustrating things pastors do.

FIRST: It’s frustrating to see preachers cut corners on sermon preparation.

What is bizarre about this is that the Sunday sermon is 50 percent of their job, as far as most of the congregation is concerned.

I grant you that in the more liturgical churches that isn’t so, with the ministers’ homilies often appearing as 5 minute reflections thrown together just before he entered the sanctuary.

But in the world I live in, the only time 90 percent of the congregation sees the pastor is on Sunday morning. If he does poorly there, he has just about sealed his fate with the membership as a whole.

And yet.

From the scant attention given the Sunday sermon by many ministers, from the small study time allotted to its preparation, and from the haphazard delivery of this message during the morning worship service, one would think neither the members nor the minister puts much of a value on the sermon.

It is the single most important thing the pastor does. If he is smart, if he values his ministry, and if he wants to go on receiving a paycheck to provide for his family, he will give great importance to planning that message.

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To have success in ministry, start by making a mistake

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In his book Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them, John Ortberg makes a confession. You get the impression that it was not easy in coming.

Here it is in his own words:

The church where I work videotapes most of the services, so I have hundreds of messages on tape. Only one of them gets shown repeatedly.

This video is a clip from the beginning of one of our services. A high school worship dance team had just brought the house down to get things started, and I was supposed to transition us into some high-energy worship by reading Psalm 150.

This was a last-second decision, so I had to read it cold, but with great passion: “Praise the Lord! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty firmament!” The psalm consists of one command after another to praise, working its way through each instrument of the orchestra.

My voice is building in a steady crescendo; by the end of the psalm I practically shout the final line, only mispronouncing one word slightly:

“Let everything that has breasts, praise the Lord.”

Ortberg tells what happened next.

A moment of silence. The same thought passes through four thousand brains: Did he just say what I think he did? In church? Is this some exciting new translation I can get at the bookstore?

Then, everybody in the place just lost it. They laughed so hard for so long, I couldn’t say a thing. It was zygomatic. I finally just walked off the stage, and we went on with the next part of the service.

I have been teaching at that church for eight years. Of all the passages I have exegeted and all the messages I have preached, that is the one moment that gets replayed before conferences and workshops. Over and over.

That moment forever endeared Pastor John Ortberg to his congregation.

In fact, the power of that moment was so strong, it would have been worthwhile for him to have planned the flub.

I sometimes say to friends, “If you ever find yourself sitting among two or more preachers and want to get something started, ask them about their most embarrassing moments. Every preacher has had a dozen. And some are pretty hilarious.”

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The two times a pastor is most vulnerable

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“Guard through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us the treasure which has been entrusted to you” (2 Timothy 1:14).

We’re all vulnerable.  Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall (I Corinthians 10:12).  The brother who gave us that reminder was himself constantly being knocked down, but getting back up.  If anyone knew the subject of vulnerability, Paul did (see 2 Corinthians 4:8-10).

After telling young Pastor Timothy of a coming time when people would not stand for sound doctrine and strong preaching, but would “turn away their ears from the truth and will prefer myths,” Paul said, “But as for you, be sober in all things (that is, clear-thinking), endure hardship (expect it, and plan to get through it), do the work of an evangelist (keep telling Heaven’s good news), and fulfill your ministry (do not let any critic pull you off course).”  (With my interjections, that’s 2 Timothy 4:5).

I find it amazing and truly heart-warming how such reminders to a minister twenty centuries ago fit us so perfectly today.  That’s one more reason, out of ten thousand, why you and I live in this Word. There is nothing like it anywhere.

Now, returning to our subject of the minister’s vulnerability….

The minister is most vulnerable at two times: in the few minutes before the morning service begins and in the half hour after it ends.

A wise minister will take steps to guard himself in order to give his best to the Lord and the people.  (Proverbs 4:23 “Guard your heart.”  Acts 20:28 “Be on guard for yourself and for all the flock….”)

A caring membership will protect the pastor at the same time for the same reasons.

FIRST: In the few minutes before the worship service where he is to preach, the pastor is vulnerable.

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Serving the Lord emphatically

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“What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops” (Matthew 10:27).

“The disciples went on their way from the presence of the Council, rejoicing that they had been considered worthy to suffer shame for His name” (Acts 5:41).

“Nobody ever enjoyed the presidency as I did…. While president I have been president emphatically.”  –Theodore Roosevelt, quoted by David McCullough in “The American Spirit”

“The Lord does not want your spare time and loose change.”  –Pastor Brent Thompson, Heflin (AL) Baptist Church.

The Lord wants His people to live life emphatically.  “Whatsoever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might,” says Ecclesiastes 9:10.

We are to seize the day, live each moment, and to delight ourselves in Him.

Listen to Paul as he seeks to motivate and energize young Pastor Timothy:

“You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.  And the things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, these entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also…”

“Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, handling accurately the word of truth….”

“I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom, preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction….”

“But you be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”  (all quotations from 2 Timothy)

Timothy was preaching to God’s people at Ephesus (I Timothy 1:3).  So, his father in the ministry, the esteemed Apostle Paul, was telling him to “pastor those people emphatically.”

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Let’s you and me pray for our pastors. Seriously.

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There was a time when it was easier to pastor a church than it is today. There was a time when churches running 1,000 on Sunday were considered mega. There was a time when churches took what they had in the way of pastoral leadership and pretty much went with it without a lot of complaints.

Those days are no more. It’s a different world we live in.

People demand strengths and excellence and results from their leaders. They look for power in the pulpit and skills in relationships. They want advanced degrees and magnetic winsomeness and it wouldn’t hurt if you looked sharp either.

They want to be fed in sermons and challenged in programs. They want input in decisions and no longer hand the keys to the kingdom to the incoming preacher.

What they do not want is to be embarrassed from the pulpit, for their church to become the laughingstock of the community, for the attendance to drop, or for the financial situation to become dire.

If they could, they would like the church to reach the unchurched and make a difference in the poorer section of town, but they want this without changing the nature of what their church has always been.

If they could, they’d like to become a mission-minded congregation where members go overseas and return with glowing reports of work done, but they’d prefer this without themselves being asked to go.

They want good sermons and effective leadership from a pastor who has earned their respect and whom they like.

Just don’t bother them too much in accomplishing this.

Poor preacher. Someone ought to encourage him. Lord knows there are enough forces out there overwhelming him in the other direction.

Today, let’s pray for him. Let’s “give him heart,” as the word “encourage” actually means.

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How to detect a fake

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In the latter months of World War II, as the Allies were closing in on Germany, the Nazis developed a ruse that worked well for a while.

They would find German soldiers who spoke English well and dress them as Americans. They would arrange for them to be “lost” and to rejoin the Alllied forces as they moved forward. Their task: to infiltrate the American troops and assassinate Generals Eisenhower and Patton.

In time, the good guys developed some tests for exposing the fakes. One German was cut down by the Americans when they saw how he was walking. He was ramrod straight whereas all our troops slouched when they walked.

Another group learned to address the soldier using “pig Latin.” If he was stymied by that, he was exposed.

And they developed questions. Two, I recall, were: Who is Betty Grable? and What position did Lou Gehrig play?

The answers were: movie star/pinup girl and first base for the Yankees. It was understood that every GI in the world would know this.

If you have been in the warfare against the forces of righteousness and the enemies of all that is good and holy for any period of time, you have come up against counterfeits and pretenders, fakes and shams.

The question is, how do you tell? And what should we do about them?

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