Things most pastors simply cannot do

“One can’t believe impossible things,” said Alice to the White Queen.

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

–From Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland.

I write this mostly tongue in cheek.  But not completely.

Having pastored six churches over 42 years and having preached for over 55 years, I know that my fears, my failures, my successes, and my accomplishments all tend to work themselves into what I am preaching.

It seems to require the strength of Samson to keep these things out of our sermons….

–If a pastor jogs or works out, it is impossible for him not to work that into a sermon at least monthly.  “As I was jogging yesterday morning, I’d just completed my third mile….”

–If a pastor’s child has excelled in athletics or the band or in the classroom, he will find a way to allude to that in a sermon.  It’s what a proud dad does.  “My wife and I are so proud of Jayson who has just received ‘student of the month’ award for the third time.  We were telling our daughter who is working on her Master’s at Johns Hopkins…”

–If the pastor once took a course in Greek and can find his way around a Greek lexicon, he will find it impossible not to drop that into the occasional sermon. “When I was studying Greek” or “My Greek Bible says…”  I say this to our embarrassment.  If a real Greek scholar ever entered the service and challenged us, we would be mortified.

–If a pastor reads through the Bible annually–or has just done it the first time–not saying so in a sermon is asking more than he is able to give.  He just has to say so. “As you know, I read through the Bible annually–and have done so for the last 13 years.”

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How to use humor in a sermon and not dishonor the Lord or offend your congregation

Watch this.  This is how it’s done.

Robert Mueller was giving a commencement address at the College of William and Mary.  This former director of the FBI in the first Bush administration is the epitome of dignity and class.  He is anything but a comic or comedian.  That day, speaking on “Fidelity, Bravery, and Integrity,” which he called the motto of the Bureau, he showed us a great way to use humor in a serious talk.

“In one of my first positions with the Department of Justice, more than thirty years ago, I found myself head of the Criminal Division in the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Boston.  I soon realized that lawyers would come into my office for one of two reasons: either to ‘see and be seen’ on the one hand, or to obtain a decision on some aspect of their work, on the other hand.  I quickly fell into the habit of asking one question whenever someone walked in the door, and that question was ‘What is the issue?’

“One evening I came home to my wife, who had had a long day teaching and then coping with our two young daughters.  She began to describe her day to me.  After just a few minutes, I interrupted, and rather peremptorily asked, ‘What is the issue?’

“The response, as I should have anticipated, was immediate.  ‘I am your wife,’ she said. ‘I am not one of your attorneys. Do not ever ask me ‘What is the issue?’  You will sit there and  you will listen until I am finished.’ And of course, I did just that.”

Mueller went on to say how he was learning–from his wife among others–how to be still and listen, truly listen, before making a judgment.

His was not a funny story as such.  But it got a great laugh from the entire crowd, and became a great illustration for you and me today.

In his story, he is the goat.  He did something foolish and his wife called his hand on it. He conceded that she was in the right and he in the wrong.

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Humorous observations from a veteran preacher

Humor refreshes me.  You too? 

I like finding signs with misprints. The sign in front of a local neighborhood center announced: “A DULT DANCE — Thursday 7 pm.” It was repeated just like that on the other side.

I read that and wondered, “What is a dult? And why are they invited to the dance and no one else?”

In a book, this misprint gave me a chuckle: “They are up there hugging one anther.” Someone had written underneath, “I’ll hug an anther. Show me one.”

This brings to mind a bit of graffiti observed on a New York subway. Someone had scrawled on a poster, “I love grils.” Underneath, another had written: “I love girls.” And beneath that, a third person had penned: “What about us grils?”

In Reform, Alabama, after the Sunday morning church service, we were in line for lunch in the fellowship hall when a man gave me one of the best cartoon lines ever. He remarked to a friend, “I told my wife, ‘I’m coming back this afternoon and see if I want to sleep on this pew as bad as I think I do!’”

A critic said, “Reverend Jones’ sermons have too many points. Pastor Smith’s sermons are pointless.” You just can’t please some people.

The following bit of silliness embodies some of my peeves.  It’s not funny so much as vexing….

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED…

–that the cheaper the preacher’s doctorate, the more gaudily he displays it?

–that the better prepared a sermon is, the less time it takes to deliver?

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What causes God to laugh

“But Thou, O Lord, dost laugh at them; Thou dost scoff at all the nations” (Psalm 59:8).

Was it Erma Bombeck who once said, “Know how to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.”

Or was that Joan Rivers?

Anyway.  It’s right on the mark.

The writer for Our Daily Bread tells this:  I was washing my car one evening as the sun was preparing to kiss the earth goodnight.  Glancing up, I impulsively pointed the hose at it as if to extinguish its flames.  The absurdity of my action hit me, and I laughed.

I get a kick out of seeing how prophecy experts bend over backward trying to locate the United States–as well as whatever country happens to be giving us headaches at the moment–in Scripture.  As though our moment in history is so huge and our place in God’s plan so essential, how dare anyone suggest He could have planned the grand sweep of history without our being given a starring role.

As if.

Isaiah 40 has a good word on this.

Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are regarded as a speck of dust on the scales;  Behold, He lifts up the islands like fine dust.  Even Lebanon is not enough to burn, nor its beasts enough for a burnt offering.  All the nations are as nothing before Him; they are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless. (40:15-17).

How clear is that?

Once while prayer-walking the United Nations in New York City, I was struck by two tidal waves rushing by in opposite directions. On the one hand, a common citizen like myself stands in awe of that magnificent place.  Leaders from all across the world come there, I think to myself, and they hammer out the huge problems of this day.  Surely, if we would pray for peace, we must intercede for all who work in this place.

And on the other hand…

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How not to write humor

Don’t try too hard to be funny.

Don’t announce that you are now being funny.

Do not force it if this does not come naturally to you.

Find your own way of expressing the humor you feel in life.

Remembering that the best laugh comes from the surprise at the end of a good story, therefore, experiment with the best way to say that.

That’s also how to remember a good joke or story you’ve heard: Remember the punch line.  If you remember that exactly right, you can recall the rest of the story by working backward in it.  But the greatest single thing about telling a joke is getting the punch line right.

Again, though, surprise your hearers with it.

My granddaughter was six and we were at the swing in her front yard, doing what grandpas and little darlings do. We were singing and laughing and cutting up. At one point she said, “We’re being silly, aren’t we, grandpa.”  I said, “Yes, we are. Why do we like to be so silly?”

She said, “It’s a family tradition.”

Complete surprise, totally out of left field.  And a perfect story. It’s brief, it’s cute (people love children stories), and it fits any number of situations.  I tell it when I’m talking to seniors about their grandchildren, when I’m talking to groups about humor, and when I’m preaching on the family (“That’s a great tradition to have. What is your family tradition?”)

In telling it, however, I must not let myself signal ahead of time that “Okay, cute story coming up” or “Speaking of family traditions….”

Just tell it. The story will do the work.

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How to write humor

I wonder if I’m qualified to speak/write on this subject.

You’re wondering why I’m addressing the subject of writing humor when so many “real” writers with impressive resumes are available.  Good question.

The short answer is that I come cheap. The longer answer is that I come really, really cheap. Like, I’d do it for nothing, you know?

After all, Dave Barry could not be with us today.

And Erma Bombeck and Art Buchwald couldn’t come either, tied up as they are teaching similar classes on a much higher level. In heaven, actually.

I assume. I hope.

I’m betting people laugh a lot in Heaven. After all, they made it.  So, what’s not to be happy about?

Anyway, my first point:  He who would write humor must first learn to write.  Period.  Okay?

What else?  Okay, here are Joe’s ten guidelines (suggestions? commandments? ironclad rules? whatever) for writing humor….

–1) Most importantly, you should learn to write really really good.  I said that already? Okay.

–2) Don’t use “good” when you intend to say “well” or “effectively.”

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Using humor in a sermon or a speech

Watch this.  This is how it’s done.

Some years ago, Robert Mueller was giving a commencement address at the College of William and Mary.  This former director of the FBI in the first Bush administration is the epitome of dignity and class.  He is anything but a comic or comedian.  That day, speaking on “Fidelity, Bravery, and Integrity,” the motto of the Bureau, he demonstrated a great way to use humor in a serious talk.

In one of my first positions with the Department of Justice, more than thirty years ago, I found myself head of the Criminal Division in the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Boston.  I soon realized that lawyers would come into my office for one of two reasons: either to ‘see and be seen’ on the one hand, or to obtain a decision on some aspect of their work, on the other hand.  I quickly fell into the habit of asking one question whenever someone walked in the door, and that question was ‘What is the issue?’

One evening I came home to my wife, who had had a long day teaching and then coping with our two young daughters.  She began to describe her day to me.  After just a few minutes, I interrupted, and rather peremptorily asked, ‘What is the issue?’

The response, as I should have anticipated, was immediate.  ‘I am your wife,’ she said. ‘I am not one of your attorneys. Do not ever ask me ‘What is the issue?’  You will sit there and  you will listen until I am finished.’ And of course, I did just that.

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Little things that delight a weary preacher

Humor refreshes me.  You too? 

I like finding signs with misprints. The sign in front of a local neighborhood center announced: “A DULT DANCE — Thursday 7 pm.” It was repeated just like that on the other side.

I read that and wondered, “What is a dult? And why are they invited to the dance and no one else?”

In a book, this misprint gave me a chuckle: “They are up there hugging one anther.” Someone had written underneath, “I’ll hug an anther. Show me one.”

This brings to mind a bit of graffiti observed on a New York subway. Someone had scrawled on a poster, “I love grils.” Underneath, another had written: “I love girls.” And beneath that, a third person had penned: “What about us grils?”

In Reform, Alabama, after the Sunday morning church service, we were in line for lunch in the fellowship hall when a man gave me one of the best cartoon lines ever. He remarked to a friend, “I told my wife, ‘I’m coming back this afternoon and see if I want to sleep on this pew as bad as I think I do!’”

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Odds and ends from a hoarding preacher

Pastor, scan through these offerings and see if you find anything of use as illustrations for sermons. Or, just as good, perhaps they will spark an idea inside you.

UNREQUITED LOVE

Want a great love story, one that will inspire every heart listening to you?  This ain’t it!

In 1964, a hitchhiker was picked up on the highway and given a ride by an 18- year-old woman. They chatted, she dropped him off, and they each went on their way. Within minutes, the man decided that he was in love with her. I mean, seriously, head over heels, a real goner.

The problem was that he had no way to contact her. She was gone. But he never forgot her.

Thirty-one years later, he came across her name in the newspaper in the obituary of her mother. So he sent her 5 dozen roses–alongwith all the letters he had written her over 31 years.

Thirty-one years of letters.

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Got time for a good story? How about a silly one? Good. Here goes…

A story about people who refuse to grow up

Robert Smith, a writer with the Minneapolis Tribune, told about his daughter who was approaching her third birthday. As they were planning a birthday party for her, she began to rebel. “I’m not through being two yet!”

Dad went through the calendar with her, explaining how life works. “When we get to that day,” he said, “you will be three.”

She stood there with arms crossed and said, “I don’t care what that calendar says. I’m not through being two yet.”

So, the Smith family canceled the party and went on treating their daughter as a two-year-old.

Like this child, some people refuse to go into the future. The Israelites under Moses (Numbers 14) recoiled from the future because they were fearful, forgetful, and fretful.

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