“Don’t draw my wrinkles!”

I’ll be sketching a long line of people at a church dinner or community party, and in the course of an hour or two will hear it a dozen times.

“Don’t draw my wrinkles.”

Usually I laugh it off.  “You don’t have any wrinkles.”  Or I tease that “I take the wrinkles from the women and give them to the men.”

Sometimes I say, “Hey, they don’t call me ‘Botox Joe’ for nothing!”

Why do people hate facial wrinkles so much?

Some child called them “crinkles.”

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What I am learning about grief

We grieve, but not “as others who have no hope” (I Thessalonians 4:13).

No one volunteers to become knowledgeable about grief.  Life hands you the assignment by robbing you of someone whom you love dearly. Suddenly, you find yourself missing a major part of your existence–an arm and a leg come to mind–and trying to figure out how to go forward.

You discover this ache in you goes by the name “grief.”  Synonyms include mourning. Sorrow. Loss. Bereavement.

Without warning, you find yourself experiencing an entire new lineup of emotions–all of them devastating–about which you had heard only rumors before.

The second discovery you make is people think you ought to be able to help others deal with it. Surely, they imply, if you have come through it and lived to tell about it, you must be wise.

I’m so unwise.

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When a pastor has exceeded his expiration date

Of all the questions church people send my way, this may be the most difficult.

Our pastor has been here umpteen years.  He has lost his vision and his energy, and the church is dying.  The numbers are down considerably, and yet the church is located in a growing area.  We love him and are so grateful to God for his ministry over the years. But isn’t there a limit to the loyalty thing?  At what point does a pastor need to be told that his time here is up?

There are no simple or easy answers to this.  Handled wrongly, this matter can destroy a church, inflict a terminal wound to a veteran minister, and hurt his family in lasting ways.

On the one hand, the minister is there by the Lord’s doing. Paul tells us the Holy Spirit makes the pastors/elders the overseers of the church (Acts 20:28).  We do not want to casually hurt God’s servant since our Lord Jesus said, “Whoever receives you, receives me” (Matthew 10:40).  Now, we are not equating today’s pastors with Moses but throughout Israel’s wilderness wanderings, it was clear that the Lord took personally the treatment/mistreatment of His man by the people.

I think that’s still the case.  When people mistreated God’s prophets down through the ages, He interpreted that as an offense toward Himself.

So, we always want to try to honor the Lord’s servant, even if he is undeserving at this particular moment.

On the other hand.

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The dumbest prayer I ever prayed

“When He has tested me, I will emerge as pure gold” (Job 23:10).

No one volunteers for testing. Not if they know what’s good for them!

However, one day not long ago I prayed this prayer:

“Lord, please let one of the churches where You send me to minister give me an offering so abysmally small that I will have to reaffirm that my trust is in Thee and not in man, not in money, not in things.”

Okay. I don’t ever intend to do that again.  (smiley-face here)

Here’s the background…..

First: The Lord is my Source.

“The Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should earn their living by the gospel” (I Corinthians 9:14).  The laborer is worthy of his hire, as Scripture says in numerous places.

But the Lord is the Source for all of us who labor in His vineyard.

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This guy found a contradiction in the Bible and thinks he can now disprove God.

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds…” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was reading comments on a friend’s Facebook page below something she had written about the Bible’s authenticity.

I suppose her critic was a friend, because after each of his statements, each one shallow and several insulting, she patiently responded with kindness and reason.

But nothing worked.

When one is determined not to believe, no amount of truth or reason or logic can penetrate the protective armor of alibis, arguments, excuses, and slander in which he clothes himself.

What was his “contradiction”?

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Tell anxiety to “Get back in your hole!”

A friend once wrote a book titled “Down with Anxiety.”  The contents were excellent and the suggestions were helpful, but I teased him that the title was a real downer!

Scripture has two primary texts dealing with anxiety, that I know of.  Doubtless there are many others, but these two have meant a great deal to me, personally…..

First, the lesser known of the two…

“Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you” (Psalm 116:7).

That’s self-talk.  And it comes highly recommended.

The Psalmist knows about anxiety.  He is saying: “Get back down there, anxiety!  Go back to bed!  Quit worrying!  You’ve been blessed far more than you deserve.  So, how about being strong and stopping this needless worrying.”

Anxiety, they say, is worry in search of a reason. Or perhaps, fear in search of a cause.

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Things pastors do not know

As a minister of the Lord Jesus Christ, faithful pastor, you know a great many things.  “We know that we have passed from death unto life because we love the brethren” (I John 3:14).  “We know love” (3:16). “We know that we are of the truth” (3:19). “We know that He abides in us” (3:24).

But there is so much we do not know.  Here is a partial list….

1) You do not know what people in your congregation are going through.

You know some of what several are experiencing. But even with those closest to you, so much of their personal lives is hidden from all but God.

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My one question to the Ashley Madison registrants

“What things were gain to me, those I have counted loss for Christ…. all things loss…. count them as rubbish….” (Philippians 3:7-8)

Rubbish may not be the best translation of skybala, a word found only this one time in the New Testament.  Various scholars make it “refuse, rubbish, leavings, and dung.”

Dung. Get it?  Our culture has stronger names for this. (Someone asked Bess Truman about Harry’s use of the word manure.  “Can’t you get him to say something instead of ‘manure’?”  She said, “You don’t know how long it took me to get him to say ‘manure’!”)

Skybala is manure. Dung. Human refuse. Okay….

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A grief symposium

“You need to lead a grief symposium,” she said. “So many people need encouragement.”

That was a new thought, in some ways.  And one for which I was unprepared.

I promised to pray about it and give it some thought.

I know so little about grief.  It doesn’t seem like too long ago when I was thinking death seemed to have skipped our family altogether. My parents were living into their mid-90s and all my siblings were alive and well, into our 60s and beyond.  And then, maybe I spoke too soon….

Our youngest brother Charlie died in ’06, our Dad in ’07, and Mom in ’12.  Our brother Glenn went to Heaven after that, followed by my brother Ron’s only grandson Micah, in his mid-20s.  And then my wife of 52+ years died in January of this year.

The hits just keep on coming.

As a veteran pastor, I know a great deal about funerals. And, having cared for hurting families over these decades, I thought I knew a lot about grief. I did, but it was all from the outside. I was an observer, a reporter, never a participant.

These days I’m learning about grief from the inside.

So far, the main thing I’ve learned is I don’t much like it.  Grief accompanies bad things in our lives.  Grief saps the joy out of our days and robs us of sleep at night.  It takes away our appetite and dampens our enthusiasm for the activities that used to fill the spaces in our lives.

Grief is an erratic guest in my house.  Some days he does not show up at all, and then suddenly with no warning, descends in full force and causes the tears to flow.  HIs visitations are triggered by the oddest of prompts, everything from an old photograph to a forgotten note in a file to something written in the margin of the Bible.  Sometimes grief’s presence is like a dark cloud over the house and at other times a jab with a pointed stick.

A symposium, says the dictionary, derives from the Greek and originally meant a drinking party (sym meaning ‘together’ and the rest of the word being a cousin to our potion).

“Can you drink of the cup from which I will drink?” our Lord asked His disciples (Mark 10:38).  He had in mind suffering, whereas they wanted something less bitter.

Grief can be bitter. It can rouse bad memories, deliver overwhelming guilt, and call forth forgotten anger even.  Grief leaves an unwelcome aftertaste.

I wonder if my grief over Margaret’s passing is typical.  For that matter, I wonder if any grief is typical, or does every human carve a new path through this awful swampland, one never traveled before and his or hers alone.

It’s been over 7 months now since my wife drove herself to the nail salon down the highway and, according to the ladies there, sat in the chair, coughed a couple of times, and collapsed.  After five days on life support with no response whatsoever, she was unplugged and died the next morning. The mahogany box with her ashes sits where we placed it then, on a small round table just to the side of the chair in the living room in front of the window where she read her Bible and kept her study books.  A framed photo sits nearby, one of several pictures I took last year when we visited the English Tea Room in Covington, Louisiana.

I cannot type this without the tears flowing.

Mostly, I look at the photo and smile. She was having a good day then. Sometimes I talk to her as I pass through the living room or sit nearby at the dining room table at the laptop working on articles for this blog.  But I think the same thing as when I visit the graves of my parents and brothers in the church cemetery outside Nauvoo, Alabama: They are not here; they are as much with me at the family farmhouse as they are here.  If  they are with the Lord, and if He is with me–which He is–then, aren’t they with me also?  Same with Margaret.

I understand so little about any of this.  Introspection does not come naturally for me. But I’m trying.

We see through a glass darkly.  We know in part.  We walk by faith, not by sight.

The jabs or stabs of grief that hit me from time to time–less frequently now than earlier,  I notice–seem to be a combination of so many things, but mostly just sadness from missing her.

If we could break down the grief and analyze it chemically, with a weight of 100, let’s say, perhaps it would be composed of the following:

1) The first 40 parts would be love and sadness.  I miss her touch and the sound of her voice. Even at the age of 70 plus, her voice was still youthful and sweet.  And the touch of her hands was so healing and comforting.  I miss her counsel, even when it was not always what I wanted to hear.

“That’s boring,” she might say when I read an article to her I was working on.  Or, “Who do you think would be interested in reading this?”  I smile at that memory.  We all need someone in our lives who can speak such truth to us, knowing their saying it will not jeopardize the relationship.

And I miss that.

As a good wife, she knew a thousand things about running a home we husbands have no clue about. She knew medicines and food preparation and psychology.  And she knew her Bible. In her memorial service, Pastor Mike Miller held her Bible up and said, “You will know Margaret was a serious Bible student when I tell you she had Leviticus marked up!”

2) Another 20 parts would be guilt.  I should have loved her better and told her more how special she was to me, how lovely were her eyes, and what a vital role she had played in my life for nearly 55 years.  I should not have left her so often when our children were small to visit church members in the hospitals when she needed me a hundred times more than they.  Why did I travel to the other side of the earth to draw an evangelistic comic book for the missionaries–being gone from home a full two weeks when our children were 8, 11, and 14–and give her hardly a thought while I was engaged in such pleasurable activities?  I was so self-centered.

And yet I know.

This is how life is.  No one is faultless, not even she.  I’m well aware I could fill my days and nights cataloging my absences, my preoccupations, and our misunderstandings, but there is no point in this. My dad often worked double shifts in the coal mines to provide for his family of six children, leaving mom to manage us.  Margaret’s father drove a Greyhound bus and was usually gone overnight.  It’s how life is. But still….

3) Perhaps another 15 parts would be pure gratitude.

I’m so thankful for the Lord leading us together in 1960.  I can recall something I would never have told her in a million years: I never felt the usual stuff we associate with fairy-tale romance–the elevated heartrate, the loss of appetite, the preoccupation with thoughts of her, and a thousand other such stuff of movies and Harlequin romances–but I knew from early on that God had chosen her for me and me for her.

The years proved that.  She was a good mother and a loving wife, and she became a great companion in ministry.  She was bright and intellectual and a constant reader. She was not a writer in the way her husband tried to be but she had great instincts as to what sounds right, which word would go better in that place, and when something was working.

I’m glad for our years together, for our love, for her beauty, for our children, for memories and laughter and ten thousand things.

Her last ten or fifteen years were increasingly painful, due to a combination of troublesome health issues.  She never liked me to tell people what they were when I explained that “No, my wife will not be accompanying me on this revival.”  She would say, “Just tell them ‘My wife has health problems.'”  So I did.

She was often in such pain she would say, “I can’t go on living this way.”  And when the Lord took her in late January, He did it in a moment.  As painful as this way–surely, the worst pain I have ever known in my years–I’m eternally grateful to Him for taking her without suffering.  I’m thankful she did not linger on a sick bed for months or even years.  And I’m thankful she was with people when this happened, and not driving on the highway when her collapse could have been tragic for so many.

4) I have no clue what the last parts would be.

Introspection is not my thing.  I’m not good at this.  Margaret was the psychologist in the family.  We used to tease that her choice of a movie involved people having nervous breakdowns, whereas Joe wanted nothing but Mayberry.  I would insist that this was because my days were filled with trouble and conflict and heartaches–I am a pastor, after all–and for rest, I need something light-hearted and relaxing.  But she was the deep thinker and the analyzer.




How God works. (Hint: It’s different from our ways.)

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways” (Isaiah 55:8).

“When the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on earth?” (Luke 18:8)

On the farm, after we killed the hog, someone had to make cracklings, known otherwise as “cooking the lard.”  (They were never pronounced “cracklings;” the ‘g’ was always dropped.)

A fire was built under a black iron pot into which cut-up portions of the less-desirable fatty hog meat was thrown.  As a worker stood by stirring, the contents boiled and bubbled and gradually released the lard, leaving behind a crisp rind (called the cracklin’), sometimes carrying a streak of lean.  The lard went into gallon containers for household cooking throughout the year. Cracklins became snack-foods for relaxing times, and can be bought commercially even today.

Similarly, the messages I have preached over a half-century have been boiled down to their essence. (No greasy rinds left, however!)  Mostly, the result–that is, the gist of my preaching these days–ends up looking something like this….

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