Dumb stories we preachers tell

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“Whatever was I thinking?”

I’ve said that. And I’ve sometimes thought it about other preachers whose sermon illustrations just got entered into the competition for dumbest story of the year.

A “dumb” story in this piece, refers to an account of something that distracts from God’s message, or sucks all the air out of the room so that no one hears anything for the next 15 minutes, or overpowers the sermon so the story is all anyone remembers for the next week, or is mind-bogglingly offensive. Or is just plumb stupid, did we say that?

Most of us preachers have been guilty of telling one or two of those over the years. Or a hundred.

Consider this a call for greater discernment in selecting stories and illustrations, parables and news items for our sermons.

1) A story that overpowers the sermon and smothers whatever point you were making is unworthy and needs to be tossed.

Have you heard the one about the dad who went fishing with his son and the boy’s friend?

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7 things I learned in choir rehearsal

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“Come before Him with joyful singing” (Psalm 100:2).

During the time I sang with the choir at our church, I loved singing for the worship service, but had to make myself go to rehearsal.

Rehearsing songs–whether for church or school assembly or for the juke joint down the street–is hard work.

Gradually, I began to see some patterns forming. Eventually, those shapes merged to form life-lessons that have remained with me all these years.

1) I do not like new songs.

The minister of music would say, “Joyce, pass out the new music,” and I would cringe. I did not read music and did not do well trying to negotiate my way around these clothes-lines of blackbirds.  The piano is picking out the melody of the song and I’m working to get it.  This is no fun.  It’s work.

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How to be disappointed in your pastor (Reasons 11-20)

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When we asked Facebook friends for ways to find disappointment in the pastor, we were swamped with responses.  Apparently, everyone knows ways to put down the preacher. So, following up on yesterday’s list, here are 10 more pointers to (ahem) help readers conclude that their pastor is a loser and should exit the church so hot-shots like you can bring in a real God-called minister. (Can you tell this is tongue-in-cheek?)

“Therefore, also, we have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him” (2 Corinthians 5:9). That’s the preacher’s assignment.  Yours, too, church member. Okay, let’s cut to the chase….

11. Expect the pastor to be in the office all the time.

“I ran by the church to see the preacher and he wasn’t there. The secretary said, ‘I don’t know where he is. He never tells me anything!'”

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How to be disappointed in your pastor (Reasons 1-10)

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“Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who work hard at preaching and teaching” (I Timothy 5:17).

The first step toward running a pastor off or leaving the church in search of a better preacher is rejecting the one you have.

We have some pointers on how to do that.

Not that some people need a recipe for finding shortcomings with God’s shepherds. Fault-finders will always find a way. But just in case anyone out there in churchland has been wondering how they could justify rejecting their pastors (to themselves at least), we have the blueprint….

1) Expect the pastor to read your mind.

“You know we always have our meeting on the first Tuesday of September, Pastor. Why did you schedule that revival then?”

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Four pursuits of a lifetime

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“Now flee from youthful lusts, and pursue righteousness, and faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).

Let’s say you are a mama trying to get your children ready for church on Sunday morning. The first one is finally bathed and dressed, and you are working on the second and third ones.  Suddenly, you notice that the first one–the child ready for church, decked out in his Sunday best–is heading out the back door to play in the yard.

You call him back.  You warn him as sternly as you can against going there and doing that.

Then, you sit him down at a table with some books or toys, hoping to occupy him with something good.

After cleaning us up, so to speak  (one verse earlier), the Apostle Paul now says we should avoid those activities that dirty us up again and dedicate ourselves to better things–righteousness, faith, love, and peace.

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Facebook, credit cards, and other evils

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“Solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil” (Hebrews 5:14). 

I remember so well the day many of us cut up our credit cards. It was a victory over bondage. We celebrated, and probably bragged on ourselves just a tad.

Today, over 30 years later, I own three credit cards and a debit card and am in bondage to none of them.  What happened?

In those days, the 1970s, many of us looked upon credit cards as an evil force enticing people into deeper debt and the accompanying bondage and oppression.  And, that was exactly what was happening to many people back then.  I knew people who found the temptation to pull out that credit card and buy something they could not afford–and would not have purchased had cash been required–irresistible.  Furthermore, the use of credit cards was not at all necessary in the society of that decade, but merely a convenience.

Times have changed.  These days, we are moving more and more to a cashless society.  And, while I have three credit cards (one is for gasoline only), I pay them off monthly. The banks make no money–not a red cent–from my cards. The debit card, of course, simply deducts money from my bank account on the spot, so there is no debt involved, and no bondage.

Yet, I recall those days of the 1970s when we read books and studied courses and attended conferences, then held ceremonies to cut up our credit cards.

I think of this when I hear someone ranting about the evils of Facebook.

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A minister should be able to teach.

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“And the Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged….” (2 Timothy 2:24).

I am a teacher.

When I was a senior in high school, a classmate gave me one of those unforgettable moments that lives in one’s mind forever.  Principal Andy Davis had summoned me to his office to help Jerry Crittenden with a math problem. Now, Jerry was a big football player, lovable and kind-hearted, and a joy to be around.  But in math, the guy was lost.

Toward the end of our session, Jerry said, “Joe, you should be a teacher. I can understand it the way you explain it.”

Eighteen months later, following a frustrating freshman year of college that taught me one huge thing–I do not want to major in physics!–I realized that God wanted me to be a teacher. He had gifted me with a love for history as well as a delight in learning, and had surrounded me with some excellent teachers as role models.

At the time, I thought the idea was to become a history teacher in high school and later, after getting the necessary education, in college.  Then, as a senior in college, God called me to preach.  I think members of my churches over these years would say, however, that Joe never quit teaching.

And that’s good.

“Able to teach.”  What a strange thing the Apostle Paul did.  In the middle of calling his preachers to hold down the noise, to quieten the arguments, and still the controversies, he wants them gentle and patient and kind–and able to teach.

Pastor search committees would do well to put this skill high on their list of requirements when checking out preachers.

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Our great adventure with Jesus

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“Abraham went out not knowing where he was going. He did that in obedience to God. That’s faith.” (Taking liberties with Hebrews 11:8)

Here’s what happened.

The little family had moved to that community so the husband could serve on staff of a church, leading their high school and college ministry. The young wife established her counseling ministry in that town and it was doing very well.  The youth were responding to his leadership, and lives were being changed. Their numbers were up, the best in quite a few years.

Suddenly, one night the leadership abruptly informed the husband that “we made a mistake in bringing you here. You’re a great guy, really godly and sincere and all that, but you are not a good fit for our church.”

Pardon me while I deal with my anger.

All this means–I’m as serious as it’s possible to be–when they say ‘you’re not a good fit for our church’ is someone in a power position doesn’t like you. Period.

It always means that.

God help His church.

The next day the pastor confirmed that, yes, as unfortunate as it seems, you are being terminated. Effectively immediately.

The couple took it like champions.

They have been respectful to the church leadership and compassionate to their friends, in particular the young people who were being ministered to and now cannot understand the leaders of their church doing such truly stupid things.

So, the little family is making plans to move “back home,” to be near their families.

In a message to friends, the wife asked a favor.  “Don’t tell our older son that we’re moving.  He doesn’t know yet.  He has so many friends and would be devastated to know he might never see them again.”

She said, “We’re telling him we’re going on a Great Adventure With Jesus. And he’s excited about that.”

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Why teaching sound doctrine is not enough

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“All Scripture is inspired of God and profitable…” (2 Timothy 3:16).

In previous articles for this website, we have stressed the importance of pastors and teachers feeding their people a steady diet of healthy doctrinal teachings.  IScripture calls it “sound doctrine.”

This cannot be overemphasized. The Apostle Paul said, “Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another….” (Colossians 3:16).

Paul speaks of being “constantly nourished on the words of the faith and of the sound doctrine which you have been following” (I Timothy 4:6).

Teaching sound doctrine is a big deal for all believers.

Clearly, that refers to teaching the Bible with a thorough understanding of what that means, where each doctrine fits, how to live its teachings, and so forth.

But there is one huge thing more, without which simply teaching sound doctrine is not enough.

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Saying goodbye to our brother

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(Random notes on the funeral of Glenn D. McKeever, held Sunday, February 9, 2014.)

This weekend was one none of us will ever forget.

It was painful, tearful, memorable, sweet, blessed, and heart-rending.

We buried my big brother Glenn Sunday afternoon at 2 pm, across the road from the family church just outside Nauvoo, Alabama. He was laid to rest a few feet from our parents and not far from our youngest brother Charlie, who died 8 years ago.

In many respects, it was a typical funeral, I suppose.Our oldest brother Ron, one year Glenn’s senior, and I worked with home church pastor Mickey Crane who also sang two hymns. It was similar to hundreds of funerals the three of us have conducted over the 150 years combined we have logged in ministry. Except this time it was personal.

Glenn had had angioplasty last week, and in our judgment (as well as the coroner and medical examiner, too, as I got it), the hospital sent him home too quickly. He came home on Thursday and died of a blood clot the same evening.  We have given him back to the Lord, and Glenn was ready, so we’re mostly okay on this. He had suffered so much the past few years.

He suffers no more.

We are the ones who suffer. Our hearts are aching and the tears will not stop flowing.

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