Why pastors bang their heads against the wall and counselors resign

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Michelle Singletary writes a financial advice column for the Washington Post.

Some years ago, a fellow wrote Ms. Singletary for advice. He was planning to marry his fiancee of 18 months as soon as they dealt with her spending habits which were clearly out of control. Her closet contained 400 pairs of shoes, many still new, and was overflowing with clothing. She justified her spendthrift ways by saying she works two jobs and looks for bargains.

The man asked Michelle Singletary, “What can I do to help her curb her spending habits without making her feel bad or as though I am putting her down?”

Ms. Singletary urged him to postpone this marriage. They were not close to being ready until this was solved. She suggested pulling credit reports, seeing what that revealed and then finding a credit counselor.

That was ten or more years ago.

The other day, Michelle Singletary received an email from that guy telling her what happened.  The news is not good.

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Perhaps the most profound thing our Lord ever said

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“Except you are converted and become like children, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3).

What’s lacking in the great majority of religious experts–of all tribes, all beliefs, all everything!–is a childlike humility.

–I’ve sat across from the salespeople hawking Jehovah’s Witness and Mormon doctrine door to door and been amazed at the sheer gall and arrogance of these know-it-alls.

–I’ve sat in the auditoriums and classrooms when prophecy teachers were spreading out their charts and telling far more than they could ever know, pronouncing their anathema upon anyone daring to believe otherwise and taking no prisoners in the process.

–I’ve sat in massive conferences among thousands of my peers and heard ignorance spouted as truth but camouflaged with alliteration and pious phrases and encouraged and affirmed by thundering echoes of “amens” and “hallelujahs”.

In every case, I longed to hear someone say, “We see through a glass darkly….”  (I Corinthians 13:12).

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Through no fault of their own: The preacher’s kids, caught in the crosshairs

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The little boy was 7 years old and loved the church where his dad served as pastor.  So, he was not prepared for the bully who decided to take out his frustrations with the preacher on him.

Each week during the Sunday School assembly, the director of the children’s department would ask, “Has anyone had a birthday this week?” Since the church bulletin carried this information, he already knew the answer. But, the birthday children would speak up and everyone would sing to them.

That week, little David had celebrated his 7th birthday and was eagerly anticipating the tiny bit of recognition from his friends in Sunday School. However, that Sunday the director chose not to ask if anyone had had a birthday.  David came home in tears.

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Why some marriages make it–against all expectations

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My mother once asked if when couples come to see me with marriage plans, do I try to talk them out of it. She was teasing, but that’s not entirely a joke. If the preacher can, he perhaps ought to.

The problem is by the time they get to the pastor’s office, their minds are made up and no one can talk them into changing their plans. Unfortunately, in many cases, neither can you talk them into changing their mindsets.

But, we keep trying.

We preachers deliver sermonettes to them in the office, counsel them on what they’ve learned about themselves and each other, and hand them books to read, all in an attempt to get some new ideas into their minds and some growth into their relationship.

We give them Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages, and say, “Don’t come back until you’ve read it. We’ll be talking about its insights at the next session.” Once, when the groom-to-be said he had not had the time to read it, I lowered the boom on him. “Remember I told you I’m not charging you anything for my services? Well, if I’m going to sacrifice a little, you ought to, also!” I looked at him and said sternly, “Read the book!”

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Ten pointers for the inexperienced preacher or layperson

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“When they asked me to talk to you today, my first thought was, ‘Who me? I don’t know anything about that….”

Bo-ring!  The worst possible beginning to a public speech or inspirational message.

Can we talk about this?  You are a layperson who has been invited to address the congregation on some matter.  Maybe to fill the pulpit in the pastor’s absence.  Or to bring a short talk on a scripture.  And you’re nervous.

I’ve seen a hundred in your situation do this. Some well and some not so well.

Sometimes at the end I want to applaud the speaker. “Good job. Well done.”

At other times, I’m burdened.  “Oh friend. You can do better than this!”

I know everyone has to start somewhere.  No beginner comes to the speaking craft full-grown. We crawl before we walk.

However, what gets my goat is when the lay speaker or preacher is mature in years and should know better and still does a terrible job of addressing the congregation.  So, let’s see if we can help him/her today.

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The fatal mistake of the casually religious

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One reason many Scriptures are so well-loved is that once in a while, we will be reading along and come to a statement that nails a truth so dead-on, we sit there gasping for breath. We can hardly believe what we are reading.  Case in point, Psalm 50.

You hate instruction and cast my words behind you. When you saw a thief, you consented with him, and have been a partaker with adulterers. You give your mouth to evil, and your tongue frames deceit. You sit and speak against your brother; you slander your own mother’s son.

And then, the clincher:

These things you have done, and I kept silent; (and as a result) you thought that I was just like you.(Ps. 50:17-21)

Wow.  The people got by with all their foolishness and as a result, decided not only that God was okay with it, He was “just like us.”

Fatal error.

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What to tell the missionary speaker in your church

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Go home to your people and report to them what great things the Lord has done for you and how He has had compassion on you.  (Mark 5:19)

When I learned my friends Missionaries Tim and Iracema Kunkel were returning to the States for a time of rest and recuperation, and would be sharing in SBC churches, I made a suggestion.

“Tim, when you speak in a church, don’t just deliver a missions sermon, the kind I or the  host pastor might give.  You have a unique  opportunity to tell us something about God’s work in South America we don’t know.  Tell us what you have seen. Give us your stories.  Tell us which scriptures have made a world of difference in your life and ministries.”

It takes a certain amount of nerve, I know, to instruct veteran missionaries on how to do what they do best: preach in churches. And yet, as a longtime pastor who has pretty much seen it all, I want the speakers to be as effective for the Lord as possible.

In the late 1970s I served as a trustee of our denomination’s International Mission Board and have made mission trips overseas, working with missionaries.  We love missionaries and give generously to support their work.  As pastor, I was always delighted to have them speak in my church.  But–and this is my burden–I’ve seen it done poorly and seen it done well.

Here was Tim’s response to me…

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Using the text as a pretext: Even the best sometimes do it

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Sit in a preaching class in any seminary or divinity school in the land and eventually you’ll hear a professor stress the importance of context. “Context is king,” someone will say.

The “context” of a Scripture means the setting for that text. This would answer the questions: What was the occasion of the event? Who was speaking?  Who was listening?  How did they interpret the meaning?

It’s about integrity in scripture interpretation and there is no more serious subject for a servant of Christ, a minister of the Gospel.

A text without the context is a pretext. That’s another of those cliches preachers toss around to one another. It’s pretty much the case. But as with most rules, there are exceptions…

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God’s faithfulness during difficult times

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Just once I want to read where someone says, “I lost my job. God is good.”  Or, “The doctor said it’s cancer.  God is good.”  Or, “My loved one died. God is good.”  

His faithfulness is everlasting.  He is good no matter what.

A pastor friend sent me a note reporting on his church. He had baptized several that year and had twice that number to join in other ways. I replied that God is using him to turn around that old church and, “Good for you, friend!”

He came back: “The curmudgeons are still there, though, still lurking.”

I answered, “They always will be. But let me tell you what I’ve finally learned about that. These detractors are doing you a favor. They motivate you to greater faithfulness, to do your best work, to keep the focus on the Lord.”

He said, “I call them ‘Holy Sandpaper.’”

The Lord uses them to get the rough edges off His servant.

Interesting how the notes I get from pastors–some are questions regarding ministry–turn out to be the very thing the Lord was talking with me about earlier.

Case in point. I was going through some old correspondence files, trying to decide what could be discarded. I ran across the most critical (i.e., life-changing) exchange of letters I ever had with a church member in a long lifetime of ministry.

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How to read faster, better

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“How to read a 500 page book in 30 minutes! And retain 90 percent of what you read!”

That’s the come-on which led some of us to pay for the Evelyn Wood speed-reading course many years back.  It was not money well spent in my judgement, although I did discover how a few people in this world manage to pull that off.  (If your experience with that course was better than mine, congratulations.)

An editor for a Christian news service suggested that, since I’m a constant reader, I should write on how to read faster and better.  Editors, she says, tend to read critically and thus slowly.

I remembered the time another editor asked me for an article on gluttony.  The timing was perfect for I had consumed three large meals that day.  I thought, “Who better than me, who knows the subject so well?”  I wrote the article and it’s still circulating the globe in cyberspace.

Before starting the article, I decided to ask Facebook friends for tips on reading faster, better. The answers were many, some helpful and several delightfully goofy.

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