Category Archives: Pastors wives

Adultery’s Lies: The unspoken heartaches

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A friend in another state emailed that the membership of her church is being plundered and savaged by adulterous affairs. She is asking for prayer.

Let’s talk about how the enemy sabotages the Lord’s people through the lies of adultery.

I recommend J. Allan Petersen’s 1984 book “The Myth of the Greener Grass.” It should be bought and devoured and kept by every married person, particularly those in the Lord’s work. (See the note from this book below, at the end of this piece.)

Here is my own personal list of the devil’s lies concerning adultery. See if any have been dangled before your eyes.

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Mudhen in a peacock parade: Some thoughts on preacher arrogance

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Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus….(who) made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.  Wherefore, God has highly exalted Him…. (Philippians 2:5-9)

Browsing through Books-A-Million, I came across a book written by a preacher who is enamored with himself.

The cover was a full shot of the preacher.  And, in the lower right hand corner were these words: Not your typical preacher.

I was offended.

At breakfast the next morning, I asked my wife, “Why did that offend me?”  She didn’t hesitate. “Because it was so arrogant of him.”

My thought exactly.

I wonder if that preacher’s office is filled with stacks of these books.  A hundred photos of his face stare back at him.

The man clearly does not want to be identified with “typical” preachers.  He is “a cut above,” in his thinking at least.

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Blindsided by opposition: Welcome to the ministry, pastor.

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(In our experience, most of the Lord’s people are wonderful and most of His churches are filled with sincere and godly workers. But once in a while, pastors come upon sick churches led by difficult people who seem to delight in controlling their ministers. When they find themselves unable to do this, they attack. Pity the poor unsuspecting preacher and his family. What follows is written just for them.)

“But beware of men, for they will deliver you up to the courts, and scourge you in their synagogues….” (Matthew 10:17)

You and your wife–please adjust gender references herein as your situation demands–went into the ministry with heads high, hearts aglow, and eyes wide open, idealism firmly tucked under your arm, vision clear and focus solid.

As newly minted ambassadors for Christ, the two of you were ready to do battle with the world, eager to serve the saints, and glad to impart the joyful news of the gospel.

Ministry was going to be great and noble and even blessed.

That’s what you thought.

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To the wife of a young minister

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“Not that we are adequate to think anything of ourselves; but our adequacy is of God” (II Corinthians 3:5).

You’re married–or about to be married–to a guy who says God has called him.  It’s exciting and it’s scary.

You’re wondering whether you can do this, whether you are cut out to be a preacher’s wife.

Sometimes you wonder why in the world the Lord in Heaven thought you of all people had what it takes to be the (ahem) “first-lady” of any church, large or small.  You are so overwhelmed by all the inadequacies you bring to this assignment, you find yourself wishing most days that your man would walk in and announce he was mistaken, that God wants him to run the State Farm office with his father back home.  Eight to five, home at night and on weekends.

You’re normal, young sister.

I suspect that every minister’s wife on the planet has felt this way, and yes, including the best ones, those beautiful put-together women you admire from a distance who seem to have developed “pastors-wife” into a career and a calling.

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Through no fault of their own, the preacher’s kids are caught in the crosshairs

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The little boy was 7 years old and loved the church where his dad served as pastor.  So, he was not prepared for the bully who took out his frustrations with the preacher-daddy on him.

Each week during the Sunday School assembly, this man, the director of the children’s department, would ask, “Has anyone had a birthday this week?” Now, he already knew the answer since the church bulletin carried this information. But, they would identify the children with birthdays and sing to them.

The week little David was celebrating his 7th birthday he was eagerly anticipating that tiny bit of recognition from his friends in Sunday School. This day, however, the director chose not to ask if anyone had had a birthday that week.  David came home in tears.

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The “love my old pastor, hate the new one” syndrome

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For when one says ‘I am of Paul,’ and another, ‘I am of Apollos,’ are you not carnal?  — I Corinthians 3:4

I treasured that young couple in my church.  They were attractive, friendly, and faithful. That’s why their letter was so stunning.

We hated you for most of this year.  You took the place of the pastor we loved so much. But now, we are gradually coming to love you too.

I was not prepared for that.  And here we are, many years removed from that moment, and I am recalling everything about this letter that landed like a blow to the solar plexus.  (Note:  If you write a love note to your pastor, please do not tell him what you did not like about him at first or how long it took to warm to him. He does not need to know the obstacles you worked through to come to this point.)

The other evening a stranger  approached my wife in our church fellowship hall just before a Christmas program.

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What pastors worry about most

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“Be anxious for nothing…” (Philippians 4:6).

“Why did you fear? Where is your faith?”  (Mark 4:40)

Worry, they say, is spending energy and resources on needless situations.  Crossing bridges we may never come to.  Paying bills that never come due.

Worry is a waste of the imagination, someone said.  And almost everyone agrees that, for a believer, worry is sin.

But that doesn’t help, does it?  Telling someone not to worry is the equivalent of instructing passengers not to be afraid when the plane is in a nosedive.   A lot of good that would do.

Now, what one person calls “worry” another may call “being concerned” or “caring deeply.”  When a husband tells his wife he does not worry about some upcoming crisis, almost always she interprets that as his not caring.  When the church treasurer said he lies awake at night worrying about our finances, I replied, “Not me.  The Lord is going to be up all night anyway; I let him worry about it.  I sleep like a baby.”  He was thereafter convinced I didn’t love the church as much as he did.

That said, my experience is that some issues do indeed occupy space front and center in the minds and hearts of God’s ministers.

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Prayer for our next pastor

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When a church is pastorless, no one knows who the next pastor will be. While we pray for the Pastor Search Committee regularly, has it occurred to us to begin praying for the object of their search?  Here is how I’m praying for our next pastor.…

Heavenly Father,

Please send our church a pastor who will be Thy choice first and foremost. Let him know it, let our search committee know it, and let the church be just as confident about it. May the pastor’s family be supportive also, and even excited.  And then…

–protect the pastor and our church from anyone who would rise up later and claim this was a mistake and try to oust him.  Dear Lord, protect Thy church.

Send us a pastor who will be loved as dearly as any pastor has ever been loved. This congregation wants to love its pastor.

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What the pastor’s wife says about him matters a lot

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“Let the wife see that she reverence her husband.”  (Ephesians 5:33) 

“My husband is always confident–and sometimes right.”  –What Mrs. Mark Devers says about her pastor-husband

My wife Margaret–a pastor’s wife for 52 years–was watching a panel discussion of some type or other in which four pastors’ wives were discussing their lives, their homes, and their husbands.  One said, “My job is to keep him grounded.  I tell him all those people at church see you as some kind of saint, but I saw you this morning in your underwear.”

The audience laughed; Margaret was offended.

She was embarrassed for that husband/pastor.  “It was unbecoming to him,” she said. “She could say that sort of thing to him in private, as a tease, but should not say it in public.  It was wrong.”

Wish we could take a poll at this point, and ask every spouse of a minister to register whether they agree or not.

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My granddaughter, the waitress, is learning the hard way

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“It’s not about you, honey.  Some people will love you more than you deserve, and some will despise you without ever giving you a chance.  You must not take it personally.”  –My advice to my Granddaughter

Erin just turned 21 and earns a living waiting tables at a nice up-scale restaurant in the Mobile area.  The other day, she came home in tears.

The restaurant had been crowded, with long lines of people waiting to get inside.  The kitchen was running behind and diners had to wait an unusually long time for their order.  Erin ran herself ragged all evening.  She specifically thanked people for their patience and apologized for the slow service.  She didn’t have a moment to catch her breath.

This particular table had two young men and a middle-aged guy.  They seemed nice enough.  Since the kitchen was running slow and they had ordered pizzas which had to be made from scratch, requiring at least a 30 minute time frame, several times Erin stopped by to thank them for their kindness and patience and to assure them the pizzas would be out soon.

Then, when they paid their tab, she found out a different side of them.

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